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| Soundtrack: Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith |
There was a time not that long ago where I would have been terrified to stand by myself in this world. No matter how much I asserted otherwise, I really did put the responsibility of my happiness on another person. Now for the past few months I have gone through several phases of grieving the person I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to become.
Back in November, I ended things with my long term boyfriend. It took me a really long time to make this difficult decision and it wasn't made lightly. I wanted everything with him, the wedding, the house, the family... but I felt so abandoned in the relationship. I don't think it was anyone's fault, and it's not like there was a lack of love between us; it's just that we are so different. We had different needs from a relationship and I felt very depressed when my needs weren't being met. I knew that what I needed he couldn't give without putting a lot of strain on himself and having to change the way he lived and I loved him too much to ever ask that of him anyway.
I feel a lot of the happiness I had in the relationship came from dreaming about how I wanted things to be in the future. I would dream about our wedding and dream house; our future children. It was nothing that extravagant, but I always dreamed that when "something" would happen (our own place, getting a car, etc.), all of a sudden we would start actually doing things together as a couple and one day as a family. All the while I was staying blissfully ignorant to the reality which was that even the basic things that should come in a relationship - at least in my mind and for what I need - weren't happening. I communicated my feelings and needs and there was some effort, but after a time things would go back into the same rut as before. I grew more and more depressed. When I left for school, it was one of the final 'clicks' in my brain that I knew it was over. For one reason or another he wasn't there to see me off - and this wasn't anything new. Being that I had told him how I was feeling at the end of my rope, I thought he might put in just a little effort to show he cared enough to try, but maybe he knew the end was near too.
I will admit I have a little bitter disappointment left in my heart, but like I said before I don't blame him and I'm not angry. We were just too different. Him and I still talk and I hope that we can build a friendship in the future. It was a hard day when I went to move the rest of my things from his apartment but he was so kind and helpful with everything. He really is a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life, it just can't be in the way that I had hoped.
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After the breakup, I finally started to come out of my depression (I had been so down I was barely able to get out of bed to go to class even once a week). Though it would be several months before I actually stepped out of the darkness consuming my heart.
I can't remember if I have written about this before, but I want to tell you about my connection to my hair. When my father was on his death bed, my sister Rebecca had cut off her braid in mourning and gave it to him. I was raised with the belief that cutting your hair is a huge gesture because your hair is representative of your spirit and strength and it is only cut when in mourning or if something very tragic happens. When my sister cut her hair, I knew that what was happening with my father was a lot more serious than I had realized. It was then that I wanted to cut my hair as well, but my father made me promise not to and to grow it out long. Since that day I had grown my hair out, only getting split ends trimmed once in a while. Seeing someone cut their long hair or shaving their head has always been very jarring and emotional for me because in my eyes they look sad, defeated, and in mourning.
The day after the break, I went to First Choice and had them cut my hair, which was all the way to my lower back, to right at my shoulders. I also asked them to gather it for me so I could take care of it properly. I didn't cry though, I felt very hollow. To me I was grieving the loss of everything we were, everything I wanted, and the person I thought I was for a long time.
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| Habits - Tove Lo |
For the next couple of months I was in a very dark, self destructive phase. It was less extreme than I am making it sound because I'm not a huge risk taker, but I was definitely in a very dark place and under a lot of stress trying to catch up with assignments I had fallen behind on.
As time went on, the pain became less but I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around - if you could even get me to hang out. I made a lot of my friends angry at my unavailability, my self destructive behaviour, my moodiness, my flakeyness, and my general depressing mood. Finally one of my friends told me I was really crappy to be around and that I needed to snap out of it. That made me angry and a little resentful but being the brat I am, I put on a happy face and pretended I was fine until I almost started to believe it myself. I decided to shut everyone out, I don't really like to burden people with my problems or feelings anyway. (as I write all this out on my blog lol) I made other people my priority and just suffered through my own issues in silence and behind closed doors. I feel very, very alone. The problem with being a person who smiles all the time is when I finally need to cry, (even though they try) no one knows how to handle it.
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So I passed my first semester with decent grades and got everything done I needed to in order to start my placement in January. I spent my birthday and winter break quietly and with a lot of alone time. I only really went out for Christmas at my Grandmother's. My little brother surprised me with a little digital camera which I was really excited about because I had been wanting to get back into photography and I had mentioned that to him months and months before and I couldn't believe he had remembered. It was really sweet. I actually got pretty spoiled with presents, especially from my room mates who bought be all this Doctor Who stuff (I am a pretty big fan - shh!). I was happy to have the house to myself for a couple of days though. I found it was a good time for me to rest and reflect.
In January I started my final semester placement at an Aboriginal Friendship Centre and figured out very quickly that it was definitely what I have always wanted to do and I found myself a lot more working there. With every task I completed, I felt my confidence grow and it felt good to have people look at me like I was responsible and capable. It felt like a fresh start and I could feel myself come back very quickly. My new coworkers were very funny and supportive and easy to talk to - we became very fast friends. I couldn't have been happier.
As the semester started coming to an end however, it seemed like everything happened all at once.
To be continued...
