My Life Rebuilding - Part 1

Soundtrack: Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith

There was a time not that long ago where I would have been terrified to stand by myself in this world. No matter how much I asserted otherwise, I really did put the responsibility of my happiness on another person. Now for the past few months I have gone through several phases of grieving the person I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to become.


Back in November, I ended things with my long term boyfriend. It took me a really long time to make this difficult decision and it wasn't made lightly. I wanted everything with him, the wedding, the house, the family... but I felt so abandoned in the relationship. I don't think it was anyone's fault, and it's not like there was a lack of love between us; it's just that we are so different. We had different needs from a relationship and I felt very depressed when my needs weren't being met. I knew that what I needed he couldn't give without putting a lot of strain on himself and having to change the way he lived and I loved him too much to ever ask that of him anyway.


I feel a lot of the happiness I had in the relationship came from dreaming about how I wanted things to be in the future. I would dream about our wedding and dream house; our future children. It was nothing that extravagant, but I always dreamed that when "something" would happen (our own place, getting a car, etc.), all of a sudden we would start actually doing things together as a couple and one day as a family. All the while I was staying blissfully ignorant to the reality which was that even the basic things that should come in a relationship - at least in my mind and for what I need - weren't happening. I communicated my feelings and needs and there was some effort, but after a time things would go back into the same rut as before. I grew more and more depressed. When I left for school, it was one of the final 'clicks' in my brain that I knew it was over. For one reason or another he wasn't there to see me off - and this wasn't anything new. Being that I had told him how I was feeling at the end of my rope, I thought he might put in just a little effort to show he cared enough to try, but maybe he knew the end was near too.


I will admit I have a little bitter disappointment left in my heart, but like I said before I don't blame him and I'm not angry. We were just too different. Him and I still talk and I hope that we can build a friendship in the future. It was a hard day when I went to move the rest of my things from his apartment but he was so kind and helpful with everything. He really is a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life, it just can't be in the way that I had hoped.

~~~

After the breakup, I finally started to come out of my depression (I had been so down I was barely able to get out of bed to go to class even once a week). Though it would be several months before I actually stepped out of the darkness consuming my heart.

I can't remember if I have written about this before, but I want to tell you about my connection to my hair. When my father was on his death bed, my sister Rebecca had cut off her braid in mourning and gave it to him. I was raised with the belief that cutting your hair is a huge gesture because your hair is representative of your spirit and strength and it is only cut when in mourning or if something very tragic happens. When my sister cut her hair, I knew that what was happening with my father was a lot more serious than I had realized. It was then that I wanted to cut my hair as well, but my father made me promise not to and to grow it out long. Since that day I had grown my hair out, only getting split ends trimmed once in a while. Seeing someone cut their long hair or shaving their head has always been very jarring and emotional for me because in my eyes they look sad, defeated, and in mourning.

The day after the break, I went to First Choice and had them cut my hair, which was all the way to my lower back, to right at my shoulders. I also asked them to gather it for me so I could take care of it properly. I didn't cry though, I felt very hollow. To me I was grieving the loss of everything we were, everything I wanted, and the person I thought I was for a long time.

Habits - Tove Lo

For the next couple of months I was in a very dark, self destructive phase. It was less extreme than I am making it sound because I'm not a huge risk taker, but I was definitely in a very dark place and under a lot of stress trying to catch up with assignments I had fallen behind on.

As time went on, the pain became less but I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around - if you could even get me to hang out. I made a lot of my friends angry at my unavailability, my self destructive behaviour, my moodiness, my flakeyness, and my general depressing mood. Finally one of my friends told me I was really crappy to be around and that I needed to snap out of it. That made me angry and a little resentful but being the brat I am, I put on a happy face and pretended I was fine until I almost started to believe it myself. I decided to shut everyone out, I don't really like to burden people with my problems or feelings anyway. (as I write all this out on my blog lol) I made other people my priority and just suffered through my own issues in silence and behind closed doors. I feel very, very alone. The problem with being a person who smiles all the time is when I finally need to cry, (even though they try) no one knows how to handle it.

~~~

So I passed my first semester with decent grades and got everything done I needed to in order to start my placement in January. I spent my birthday and winter break quietly and with a lot of alone time. I only really went out for Christmas at my Grandmother's. My little brother surprised me with a little digital camera which I was really excited about because I had been wanting to get back into photography and I had mentioned that to him months and months before and I couldn't believe he had remembered. It was really sweet. I actually got pretty spoiled with presents, especially from my room mates who bought be all this Doctor Who stuff (I am a pretty big fan - shh!). I was happy to have the house to myself for a couple of days though. I found it was a good time for me to rest and reflect.

In January I started my final semester placement at an Aboriginal Friendship Centre and figured out very quickly that it was definitely what I have always wanted to do and I found myself a lot more working there. With every task I completed, I felt my confidence grow and it felt good to have people look at me like I was responsible and capable. It felt like a fresh start and I could feel myself come back very quickly. My new coworkers were very funny and supportive and easy to talk to - we became very fast friends. I couldn't have been happier.

As the semester started coming to an end however, it seemed like everything happened all at once.


To be continued...

Layers

When you get to know a lot of people, you start to become 'known' for something. People know you as 'the nice one' or 'the funny one' - they say things like 'oh, he likes expensive things' or 'she is a little spoiled' or 'he is the nicest person you will ever meet.' I guess we all have a dominant trait that we become known for. But in reality, aren't we all so much deeper than that? The nicest person in the world might also actually be the most selfish, and the spoiled brat who likes expensive things might just turn out to be the most generous and giving person when push comes to shove. So although this dominant trait helps people to know a part of us, there is no real telling of who a person really is when you only get to see one side of them. 

I learned this the hard way with many people. People I knew for years, people I grew up with and thought I knew...they just seemed to change over night. I think that is the only consistent thing in life is that there will always be change. Whether through people or life circumstances or both, change is always there. On the other hand, when we meet people for the first time or even just see them in passing we make judgments about them when we are only seeing a moment of their lives.

A lot of the time I feel like people don't know me very well at all, although they think they do. For as long as I can remember I have been known as the 'sweet naive' girl, which isn't a bad title. But when I got looks of tolerant affection or even unbelieving annoyance when serious conversations came up, I got frustrated. It seemed that because I lived my life with a smile on my face and a positive outlook, people assumed I had never had to deal with any difficulty or heart ache. I had a friend flat out tell me one time that she didn't want to talk to me about something because she felt like I wouldn't understand what she was going though. I think it is true that one person can't truly understand what someone else is feeling because everyone deals with their emotions differently. But we all have similar experiences and in this way we can use those experiences to get relate to each other.

A circumstance happened in the late fall, I was on the bus making my way home from work. It was crowded and people in cramped spaces can become easily irritated. I was standing and holding onto the support bar when I noticed a man sitting down a couple spaces from me. He had on a worn coat and a winter cap. He looked like he had sunken into himself somehow, like if he weren't sitting on the bus seat he would be a puddle on the floor. Most of all, to me he looked defeated and it pulled on my heart. I see a lot of people like this and it hurts me to see others in such pain and not having a way to help. Anyway, shortly after I noticed him, I noticed the tall can of beer he had in a paper sack tucked into his coat. It was open and as I watched, he very discreetly took a sip. Now I know that drinking in public is wrong and illegal, but I all I could think was; what happened to this man that caused him so much pain he couldn't wait to get home (wherever that might be) to open his beer? Another lady noticed and she began harassing him about the beer. Now I could understand her reaction more if he had been drunk or causing a disturbance but he was trying to be discreet and she just drew attention to him where everyone else probably wouldn't have noticed or wouldn't care. I felt bad for him, he didn't look up to arguing. After a few minutes of her badgering him, he just blurts out, 'my wife died last week, we had been married for 37 years.' His voice cracked just saying the words, but the woman didn't care. She kept heckling him because I think all she could see was another homeless drunk. When the bus came to my stop I leaned over and said, "I am so sorry for your loss." The woman looked indignant at me for saying that, and tried to tell me not to feel sorry for him; I didn't care. The minute we stop showing each other compassion and understanding, that will be when we have lost our humanity entirely.



Living in the city, I see a lot of people going about their lives and I try to see them for who they are as an individual; a mother, an artist, a father trying to support his family, or a student worrying about debts, just like me. The thing about people is we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we start to see other people as obstacles; a faceless crowd that we have to maneuver through. We forget that other people are actually people too. When you start to look at each individual person, you really start to realize that everyone has a story and a life they are living. One of my favourite Doctor Who quotes helps me a lot when I am feeling overwhelmed and bitter towards the crowds of Toronto and it goes like this: "900 years of time and space, I have never met anyone who wasn't important." - 11th Doctor


I think the old saying, 'you can't judge a book by its cover' really holds true, especially for people. Don't ever assume you really know a person because there is always so much more than you will ever see.

~Oriona



Picture and quote credits:

http://www.citynews.ca/2008/02/19/extra-ttc-buses-on-the-roads-to-cope-with-rush-hour/

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/797906-900-years-of-time-and-space-and-i-ve-never-met

http://htekidsnews.com/world-population/