My Life Rebuilding - Part 1

Soundtrack: Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith

There was a time not that long ago where I would have been terrified to stand by myself in this world. No matter how much I asserted otherwise, I really did put the responsibility of my happiness on another person. Now for the past few months I have gone through several phases of grieving the person I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to become.


Back in November, I ended things with my long term boyfriend. It took me a really long time to make this difficult decision and it wasn't made lightly. I wanted everything with him, the wedding, the house, the family... but I felt so abandoned in the relationship. I don't think it was anyone's fault, and it's not like there was a lack of love between us; it's just that we are so different. We had different needs from a relationship and I felt very depressed when my needs weren't being met. I knew that what I needed he couldn't give without putting a lot of strain on himself and having to change the way he lived and I loved him too much to ever ask that of him anyway.


I feel a lot of the happiness I had in the relationship came from dreaming about how I wanted things to be in the future. I would dream about our wedding and dream house; our future children. It was nothing that extravagant, but I always dreamed that when "something" would happen (our own place, getting a car, etc.), all of a sudden we would start actually doing things together as a couple and one day as a family. All the while I was staying blissfully ignorant to the reality which was that even the basic things that should come in a relationship - at least in my mind and for what I need - weren't happening. I communicated my feelings and needs and there was some effort, but after a time things would go back into the same rut as before. I grew more and more depressed. When I left for school, it was one of the final 'clicks' in my brain that I knew it was over. For one reason or another he wasn't there to see me off - and this wasn't anything new. Being that I had told him how I was feeling at the end of my rope, I thought he might put in just a little effort to show he cared enough to try, but maybe he knew the end was near too.


I will admit I have a little bitter disappointment left in my heart, but like I said before I don't blame him and I'm not angry. We were just too different. Him and I still talk and I hope that we can build a friendship in the future. It was a hard day when I went to move the rest of my things from his apartment but he was so kind and helpful with everything. He really is a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life, it just can't be in the way that I had hoped.

~~~

After the breakup, I finally started to come out of my depression (I had been so down I was barely able to get out of bed to go to class even once a week). Though it would be several months before I actually stepped out of the darkness consuming my heart.

I can't remember if I have written about this before, but I want to tell you about my connection to my hair. When my father was on his death bed, my sister Rebecca had cut off her braid in mourning and gave it to him. I was raised with the belief that cutting your hair is a huge gesture because your hair is representative of your spirit and strength and it is only cut when in mourning or if something very tragic happens. When my sister cut her hair, I knew that what was happening with my father was a lot more serious than I had realized. It was then that I wanted to cut my hair as well, but my father made me promise not to and to grow it out long. Since that day I had grown my hair out, only getting split ends trimmed once in a while. Seeing someone cut their long hair or shaving their head has always been very jarring and emotional for me because in my eyes they look sad, defeated, and in mourning.

The day after the break, I went to First Choice and had them cut my hair, which was all the way to my lower back, to right at my shoulders. I also asked them to gather it for me so I could take care of it properly. I didn't cry though, I felt very hollow. To me I was grieving the loss of everything we were, everything I wanted, and the person I thought I was for a long time.

Habits - Tove Lo

For the next couple of months I was in a very dark, self destructive phase. It was less extreme than I am making it sound because I'm not a huge risk taker, but I was definitely in a very dark place and under a lot of stress trying to catch up with assignments I had fallen behind on.

As time went on, the pain became less but I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around - if you could even get me to hang out. I made a lot of my friends angry at my unavailability, my self destructive behaviour, my moodiness, my flakeyness, and my general depressing mood. Finally one of my friends told me I was really crappy to be around and that I needed to snap out of it. That made me angry and a little resentful but being the brat I am, I put on a happy face and pretended I was fine until I almost started to believe it myself. I decided to shut everyone out, I don't really like to burden people with my problems or feelings anyway. (as I write all this out on my blog lol) I made other people my priority and just suffered through my own issues in silence and behind closed doors. I feel very, very alone. The problem with being a person who smiles all the time is when I finally need to cry, (even though they try) no one knows how to handle it.

~~~

So I passed my first semester with decent grades and got everything done I needed to in order to start my placement in January. I spent my birthday and winter break quietly and with a lot of alone time. I only really went out for Christmas at my Grandmother's. My little brother surprised me with a little digital camera which I was really excited about because I had been wanting to get back into photography and I had mentioned that to him months and months before and I couldn't believe he had remembered. It was really sweet. I actually got pretty spoiled with presents, especially from my room mates who bought be all this Doctor Who stuff (I am a pretty big fan - shh!). I was happy to have the house to myself for a couple of days though. I found it was a good time for me to rest and reflect.

In January I started my final semester placement at an Aboriginal Friendship Centre and figured out very quickly that it was definitely what I have always wanted to do and I found myself a lot more working there. With every task I completed, I felt my confidence grow and it felt good to have people look at me like I was responsible and capable. It felt like a fresh start and I could feel myself come back very quickly. My new coworkers were very funny and supportive and easy to talk to - we became very fast friends. I couldn't have been happier.

As the semester started coming to an end however, it seemed like everything happened all at once.


To be continued...

Happy New Year :)

Dear Readers,

I know it has been an extremely long time since my last post and for that I apologize. My life has been through quite a series of changes in the last year and I want to share with you some of my experiences and what I have learned from it all.

Going back to the summertime when I had applied and been accepted to the college I currently attend, I was between working at the CNE again and packing to move away to live and study in Peterborough. I was anxious and excited because I had already done my first year two years before hand and I was (and still am) very anxious and excited to finish school and finally begin my career. My whole life I have wanted to help people and now I am looking at finally having a way to really give back and contribute to my community.

In my personal life however, there was another big change looming that took me a really long time to realize and accept. After 5 years of being in a relationship with Scott, I came to the realization about a year and a half ago that our life together was heading in a direction that I simply couldn't go. I communicated how I felt with him and we tried for a year to make it work but in the end, it was just best for us to go on our separate ways. We both have a lot of growing to do as individuals before either of us is ready to settle down. I am glad to say that there is no animosity between us either, on the contrary I think we will remain in each other's lives as friends.

I am learning that if you are in a relationship or are getting into one, you really need to know who you are and who the person is that you are looking to be with. My inner romantic kind of suffered a big blow when I finally realized that love doesn't always conquer all. I am still working on the part where I come to accept that this is okay. I have the knowledge that it is; that you can love people even if they aren't meant to walk every step of your life with you. I just need to get to the point where I feel it as the truth as well.

At this point in my life I am taking the time to really learn about myself and get to know who I am again. I believe it is vitally important to come to any relationship as a complete person on your own. Although I love the saying 'my other half' I think it is a bad representation of how a healthy relationship should be.

In my mind, two people should come together as strong individuals who are forming an even stronger partnership. They can each stand on their own, but the love they feel brings them together simply for the purpose of being together and working towards similar goals. If someone can't stand on their own and be happy with just themselves, I don't think that is a healthy way to be in a relationship.

My reasoning is this; if you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? Self love, and self respect are two of the most important things. I think I have written before that having a healthy love and respect for yourself is vital to your mental and emotional health. I don't mean to be vain on conceited. I believe that I am beautiful and a good person - but I don't see myself as better than anyone else, I am just the best me there is.

I also strongly believe that you should always take charge of your own happiness. Putting someone else in charge of your happiness will only lead to disappointment. It just goes back to the old analogy; if you put someone on a pedestal, eventually and inevitably, they will fall.

So that is what I am working on, taking these things I have learned and committing them to my heart until I feel them as truth. I feel like I am in a process of tearing myself down and rebuilding the person I want to be - who I know I am inside.

The obvious emotions that this change brought up did make focusing on my studies difficult to say the least, however I am happy to say that I passed all of my classes and will be moving on to my placement in the upcoming semester! After that, I guess I will find out what the universe has planned for me.

I am looking forward to getting into the field and working as an SSW so I can really start helping people the way that I have always wanted to. Maybe I will finally be able to put my idea factory to good use and come up with some programs or activities for the community.

Thank you for reading, hopefully the next post won't take me so long.


Warmest Regards,


~ Oriona

Starting a Business is Hard

So I am mentally banging my head against a wall in frustration. You guys might have read my other blog posts about my previous business ventures, the latest one being home made soap. It hasn't panned out and for a few reasons I doubt that I will be revisiting that idea any time soon. However, I am trying to get something else going, some of you may have seen my Facebook page Starchild Creations. Basically it is crafts and stuff that I make/am going to make in the future. I am starting online and hope to expand to wholesale and craft shows in the future.

New Business Card

But because I am not 12 anymore and I want this to be a legit business, it is going to take a lot more than just setting up a stand in the front yard (not that I even have one because we live in an apartment). Right now I am trying my best to set up an Etsy shop which is fairly straight forward but there is a lot that goes into it before I actually want to start posting things for sale.  For instance, the shop policies. I have never written store policies before and I want to be clear and all-encompassing and fair, and I did try my best to do that, providing information that I think is applicable to my shop. I am sure that there will be things in the future that will lead me to add or edit my policies. The thing that has me the most head-bangingly frustrated though is shipping. Trying to mail something in Canada and trying to get information from the post office about how to calculate costs is like pulling teeth.

Slot of Doom

I spent most of today online and on the phone with various Canada Post representatives trying just to figure out the dimensions of the 'slot of doom' as I have seen it being called on various Etsy and general discussion boards. By the way if you were wanting to know it is: length - 380mm X width - 270mm X height - 20mm. That's millimeters for my American readers - not that I think you would need to know because you guys have that awesome flat-rate shipping, but just in case you were wondering. I took the measurements and made my own cardboard 'slot of doom.'

Anyway, if a package doesn't fit through the 'slot of doom' or if it is over 500 grams in weight, then it becomes a small parcel package. Then in order to calculate the cost of shipping - in addition to size and weight, you also have to know where it is going which is hard if you are selling online and don't happen to know which really awesome person is going to want to buy from you.

SO I was then recommended this thing for businesses called Canada Post web services or something. Anyway it is some kind of software for businesses that hooks up to your Etsy (or other online selling website) and calculates shipping based on the item and where the customer is coming from so they can see how much shipping is. Now I am just trying to figure out how to install this thing and I can't so far. Their 'technical support' was no help but I got an email with another number so I am going to call them tomorrow and see if I can get someone to walk me through it. Once I know how to do it I am going to endeavour to post a tutorial to help others in the future who struggle with the same thing.

AND THEN apart from the oh-so-delightful phone and internet stuff, it was -14*C today. Not too bad, but the windchill made it hella cold. I did not think about this as I ran out the door with only my coat and scarf in search of the John Bead craft supply store that mom recommended to me. It was so freezing cold out at one point I got an ice headache - no joke. The pain was real, and all I could think about while trekking through the cold snow in soft fabric shoes, fighting the painfully cold wind, was how much I want my business to be a success. Wanna know what I was going for? Bead caps and eye pins so I can make these:

into necklaces. I found out however, when I got to John Bead, that they were closed. Oh, it was wonderful. *sarcasm* I actually said out loud 'no, no, NO!!' - complete with the defeated smack of my hand against the unyielding cold of the locked door. Then I thought, 'hey! I'll just go to Walmart!' - This is where I got the ice headache - and only to find that nope! Walmart didn't have them!

 The good news is that I did get some business cards done and a couple test-cards to go with the Stone People Medicine. They don't fold right though...but that (I have to keep telling myself) is a problem to be solved another day.

On the short term, I know how much shipping will cost for the stones that fit through the slot of doom so I will be able to get those up hopefully tonight. Tomorrow I will be leaving early to make sure I don't miss old Johnny boy (John Bead) and then I will be getting the caps and pins and by tomorrow I plan on having some necklaces up. Also some earrings because I found a bag of carved feather charms that came from my dad's crafting stuff. I know he wouldn't want them just sitting around in my crafting things when they could be used to provide for his family so that is what I am going to do.

That's another thing I always admired about my dad, he was never greedy. He got what he needed to survive and be successful but that was it. He never really needed material things and whatever he had he usually gave it away when he found someone that he felt it was really meant for. He took his worldly pleasures from the simple things in life, like having his eggs and coffee done the way he liked. Anyway I feel myself getting emotional and I would rather not cry over my key board. Well, too late I guess, lol. It's been a long day. I miss my dad.

Hope you have a good night - stay warm
Oriona

800 VIEWS!!!

Oh my goodness, I just recently looked at my statistics for my blog and realized that The Starchild Diaries is now just past 800 views!! Thank you guys so much for all the support! I really can't express how amazing it is for me that so many people read my blog. When I started it I honestly thought that it wouldn't really amount to anything and I really doubted that very many people would want to read it. This is mainly because I know that my blog - like me - is really all over the place, sometimes I am joking and sometimes I am serious and sometimes I am just weird.  But I was surprised when some of my readers either messaged me or came up to me in person and, if I hadn't written in a while, would point it out to me - they noticed and what's more, they were looking forward to my next post. That struck me as truly amazing and wonderful and made me feel really good about what I was doing. 

I share a lot about myself on this blog, my feelings, thoughts, ideals, and experiences. It doesn't really have a theme, but it is all about my life and who I am as a person. I am really happy that I get to share all this with you. I hope you continue to enjoy to read my articles and one day I hope you enjoy reading my books. :) Again I just want to thank you guys so, so much for all the support - from the bottom of my heart. <3

- Oriona

Unrequited

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago. It almost makes me laugh to read it now, but I know it came from a very dark place and to me, this is probably still the best poem I feel I have written...I haven't written any in a long time though which is good because I only write poetry when I am depressed so... anyway, here it is, I hope you like it.

                                 Unrequited

You lie to me                                                           that's alright.

Your
      Broken
          Promises                                                       are like velvet in my ear

Your
      Sinful
          Touch                                                           like fire on my skin.



Your words, I want you...

An invitation I cannot refuse.

So have me,
I am yours

Yours to take,
Yours to use

Use me.

I know the hurt will come, it always does.


But this I can endure because, 

You love me too...                                                              right?




Rest assured this poem is completely irrelevant for me now, but I just wanted to preserve it anyway. I feel that past emotions are important to remember because they have led to where you are now. I want to correct my previous statement, it isn't 'irrelevant' exactly, it is a part of me and these are words from an experience that shaped who I am today and for that, I am grateful.

For anyone reading this poem and possibly relating to it, I want you to know the lesson I took away from this experience. You are never stuck, and you deserve happiness. Your world does not begin or end with another person, it begins with you. The minute you decide to free yourself from any situation that is causing you pain, life gets so much better. Start living for you and the people who are there and actually care for you. When I decided to liberate myself, when I decided that I deserved better and would find better one day, it was so freeing. A weight was lifted and just there, by myself I felt whole. I still do. So don't hold yourself back from happiness, stand up and claim it for yourself.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.
~Oriona

Making Pretty Things

Hello there :)

So I hope you guys have been having a good year so far, I have been busy busy busy! Back in November, I went to stay with Scott's parents to help his mom look after his sister's kids while she went on vacation. That was a lot of fun, Janie and I make a really good team and the kids are so sweet and well behaved. After that, I went right from there to my mom's place to look after her while she recovered from surgery - it was nice to have a good long visit with her and my younger brother. While I was there I introduced her to 'Netflixing' and she binge-watched the entire Gilmore Girl series which of course when it was over she had a good long cry because "IT'S OVER!!! :'( " - I found it really funny because I guess I am mean like that.

A few of you may have noticed that I started another blog called Media Reviews by Oriona which is me reviewing books, movies, music, and anything else that I find interesting. Someone on youtube asked me to review his glass ornaments that he makes that are actually really beautiful and the process seems really cool so I am going to look into doing that for him.

the first week of January, my longest and best friend Abi came up from the states to visit which was awesome! She was a little dismayed with the weather, but she had a bit of a "DUH!" minute because, hello? Canada in January... But it was still lots of fun, we went shopping and exploring and saw an IMAX dome movie at the Ontario Science Centre which is like, the coolest place ever and awesomely not that far from where I live :)

Then there was job hunting, and job finding. I am really excited to start work next week! But I am also extremely excited to be re-starting my little craft business of Starchild Creations! (Previously known as Sacred Star Creations) I am starting with a Facebook page and hope to expand to etsy.com and craft shows and things like that. So far I am making Painted Gratitude Stones and Splash Paintings, but very soon I am going to be making those microwavable heating pads and probably some other stuff. I also started writing a new book which in the last week I have written the first two chapters. It is called 'The Darkness' (working title) and it is going to be a supernatural thriller based on a terrifying thing that happened to me when I was little. *scary music*

In May, mom, Stone and I are being flown down (courtesy of my AMAZING big brother) to the beautiful (and hot) state of Arizona to see him graduate and visit him and my sisters!! There is just so much going on right now and I am so incredibly happy and grateful for this wonderful life I live.

Wishing you happiness and love
~Oriona

My Calling

I don't remember exactly when I realized it, but for a really long time now I have realized that my calling in this life is writing. I really hit the nail on the head this morning when talking to my mom. I really love all forms of art, but the one that I feel I really have a grasp of is writing and story telling. I see pictures like this:

- and I want to be able to paint that in someone's mind. I want to be able to write in such detail as to create this in someone's head. I know the joy of reading a really good book and getting so immersed in the story I don't even see the book anymore, it becomes like a movie playing in my head. Writing is my art form and I have so many ideas and stories that I know this is what I am meant to do. 

As I think I have said before, my long term plan is to write (hopefully) successful books and also own my own business which would be a store/cafe. Although I love writing and have every faith that I will become an accomplished author, I also recognize the need for a steady income.

On that note, I also need a steady income right now, and as I am currently staying with my mother while she recovers from surgery, that has become next to impossible. Lately I have been looking for online jobs which is a challenge because I have never had an online job so I am unfamiliar with how it works. It's hard trying to find something that I even qualify for and then I have to try and make my application stand out from the others and I am not sure how you do that online. In person, I can smile and have a friendly chat with my prospective employers but online I'm just a resume. Anyway, I am sure I will figure it out. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am never short of entrepreneurial ideas.

Getting back to my books, that is going very well so far. I just finished a story called Grandfather Eagle about a little girl who finds and raises a baby eagle. One day he is taken away and released into a nature preserve. He is happy there but misses the girl so he finds his way back to her. - The only thing I need now is an illustrator to do the drawings for my book. Until I find my artist though, I will get back to writing my other on the go books. There's The Ripple Effect which I think is going to be my big one. I also have the first of a series I am working on called the Adventure Girl series, based on stories my mom use to tell me when I was little. I have a lot of ideas with my books, like trying to make them all connected somehow. 

Okay I am kind of excited so I want to talk about some of my other story ideas, here's two:

1. Working title: Journey, about a young woman who either has amnesia and doesn't remember who she is OR she is a runaway from a foster home. But either way she is on the road following clues to who she really is and where she is from. She works odd jobs to get from place to place and also solves mysteries and helps the people that she meets. I want this to be a series, and I might work in some kind of supernatural element to the story but I'm not sure yet. 

2. No working title yet, but I am thinking a future almost post-apocalyptic but not quite. The earth is dying and people are either living in anarchy or they are following crazed, warped, and extreme religions. Somehow, I haven't worked it out yet, but some select people end up being blasted into space as a last attempt to find habitable planets for mankind to move to. The main character is one of these people but I'm not sure which direction I am going to take it from there. Will she find a planet? Will some freak accident happen leaving her with powers? Will it be more of a spiritual book? Will she enter a different dimension? 

Best way to figure it out is to write it out so that's what I am going to do!

Until later,
Oriona

Picture Credit: http://pichost.me/1560923/

A Walk in Two Worlds

It is really strange being a child of two worlds. There's the "white" part of me that looks something like this:

That part of me loves books and writing and art, Disney movies (obviously), and other 'western world' things, sometimes she wants to get dressed up and go dancing and be elegant and maybe even one day rich and successful.

 But then there's the First Nation side of me who doesn't really care about material things and just wants to downsize all my belongings down to a van and go on a spiritual adventure. That's the part of me that wants to live at one with nature and I basically try to apply my spirituality and culture in my every day life, but when someone asks me what my background is, and I tell them I am Native American, and they say 'no you're not' - I can't even express how much it frustrates me.

Maybe it's stupid - as a lot of people tell me, that I shouldn't care what other people say - which I try, but this is a deep rooted issue. When I was younger, I didn't even know I looked white until other people pointed it out to me. When we went to South Dakota the kids there would say: 'why are you here? you're white.' And when I would try to talk to the kids at school about my culture they would tease me and say 'what, can you talk to birds Pocahontas?' Now I am older and every time I see an elder or another First Nations person I want to talk to them in the way that feels natural, like saying 'Hello Grandfather, here would you like to sit down?" I shy away because I am afraid they will see a "wannabe white girl." One time I was at the Peterborough Canoe Museum and when we were sharing food that an elder had prepared and brought in for us, I got up to help because that was the respectful thing to do. My classmates were just sitting there waiting to be served and then they started whispering 'what is she doing?' and 'why is she dressed like that' (I was wearing a long skirt - omg so weird right?) and then when I was talking to one of  the museum people about my background he got mad and called me "one of those hippie-dippie types" - which might be part of the reason I am shy now. The only time I felt like I belonged and that people accepted me at face value is when my dad was alive. Being introduced as "Manny Twofeathers' daughter" left very little room for doubt about my heritage. Now I'm going through this identity crisis where I don't know which side is the real me.

When I look like this:

 But feel like this:

I just don't know, it's like I know who I am but I feel like a poser even though I know it's not true. Then the logical `wise` side to me remembers what my dad told me when I wanted to go tanning and colour my hair black, he said; "Mija, don`t ever let anyone try to tell you who you are. When you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." And Sacred Star Woman would tell Oriona that both sides are equally part of who I am. As long as I walk in my truth then that is all that matters. Creator made me the way I am supposed to be for one reason or another. Even walking through these city streets, when I feel the wind blow through my hair and hear the Thunder Beings rolling in, I feel the Creator and I know who I am - even though I struggle sometimes. I hope that one day I will fully be able to realize and accept all aspects of myself. The pressure is on now that I am trying to follow in my father's footsteps. But he wore big moccasins so maybe I will need to take a path that runs beside the one he followed.

AMR
~Oriona Star Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos above, they belong to Disney.

Words I Live By

"The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

That is one of my all time favourite quotes; one that has given me hope through some of my darkest times. Lately, I have been going through another one of those dark times. I think it started with not being able to go to school this year(financial reasons) and then looking around thinking 'what now?' Truly, I felt like I had been running a race - the kind that you run in your dreams but the thing is you can barely move and aren't even moving forward - and then I felt like I had lost. I felt like I had failed, or fallen off the horse one too many times and didn't know where I could find the strength to get back up one more time.

Many of you who read this blog know me fairly well, at least enough to know that I am a very positive person and usually I come up with something to get me going again. Well I did, and that idea is soap. My friend Shawna and I have started a handcrafted soap business, we have the tools, supplies, and passion to get it going. And we have been, I have every faith that with hard work we could be the next body shop. Eventually I want to get into bath bombs and lotions and other things as well. 

But then there is also my writing, I want to be an author, and I have a book going in just about every genre you can think of. I am looking for a literary agent and hoping against hope that one day my books can make some kind of a difference in this world. Also in the mean time of all that, I am also looking for a regular job to help support Scott and I while we try to navigate through our lives together. In some respects, I feel very successful, and in others I just feel like an utter failure.

I recently posted an ad on Kijiji called 'Ambitious Idealist Looking for Sponsor' - it was kind of  a whim that I posted it. Basically, I was looking for someone crazy enough to 'donate' some funds towards my ideas because they, like me, think they are worth something. - Turns out that it's not that crazy of an idea. Do you know people actually get paid to play video games at home? It's called streaming and basically they sit there on web cam, and you can also see their game screen and people pay them to sit and play because they want to watch. and I'm thinking; well, why can't I get paid to write my books or something? Anyway, can you believe I actually got some replies? I don't know what is going to happen with all that, but don't worry I will be careful.

There's also this contest being put on by Alesse, and a person could win $5000 towards their idea. the thing is, I have so many I don't know which one to enter! Can anyone help with this?

That's it for now - have a good one,
Oriona

PS

The other words I live by are:

You are never stuck, no matter what, there is always a way.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.

Random Thoughts

I realize that I think some random things a lot so I have been jotting some of my thoughts down for the past while and decided to share them with you guys - enjoy!

Sept 20 
I see all these 'awesome pic/photography ideas' and all I can think is - do people actually just get together to take pictures that just make them look like they are having fun? Is that a fun activity? 'Omg now that we are done in the pool, let's go take pics of us throwing leaves around for fall!' Why don't people just go have fun and take spontaneous pictures of actually having fun? Is maintaining the appearance of a happy life more important than actually living it?

Sept 24
I wonder if I should just post my random thoughts on Tumblr- that's what everyone else does

What if I don't even realize I'm having random thoughts because it seems normal to me?

Sept 26
Do you ever see a person and think 'I could totally be friends with that person' - and you want to be friends with them but you're too shy to actually say anything

Usually when that happens I think they will miss judge me because I'm usually more comfortable around 'weird' people but I don't think my appearance always reflects that.

September 30
Laying sick in bed I realize how truly not good I'm feeling when I realize I'm laying here trying to figure out how folding chairs work.

By the way did I mention that I've had my phone for a year and only realized a week or so ago that the reason I couldn't hear anything was because my 'screen protector' - actually the packaging I just never took off - was covering the ear piece. - I feel like one of those really special kind of dumb people, like that person who doesn't know the sun is a star. fml.


October 4
Okay, so I enjoy a broad spectrum of entertainment everything from Oscar winning masterpieces to spongebob squarepants. And I'm like this with everything pretty much; music, books, my taste in fashion, my sense of humour, etc. and some people might say something like 'oh well this is stupid, I only listen to classic rock because it has soul and the music today sucks and has no soul - but I'm like 'hey, this is a pretty good song and it makes me happy to listen to it.' Why do people have to be so pretentious? I mean some people actually just refuse to like something BECAUSE it's so popular - what kind of system is that? Has the need to be unique forced people to become this crazy? How about liking stuff because YOU like it and leave everyone else out of it? Or vice versa?

October 8
I'm the type of person that would stretch with a drink in my hand and accidentally dump it on my head.

Little kids scare the crap out of me - especially 2 year olds - they just constantly run around doing stuff to get themselves hurt or they just tear stuff up and laugh like crazy little psychos

Went to go see Annabelle with my friend the other day and I was fine until she told me she hadn't been able to sleep because of nightmares - then last night I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing this sh** in my head:


So I smudged myself and my room and concentrated hard on my happy place!!


Last but not least, with my mom and brother coming this weekend, all I can think is:

Cleaning is the grown up 'never ending story' that is way overplayed and it sucks.


Goodnight!
~Oriona

Welcome Back :)

My Dear Reader, 

I want to wish you a good afternoon and apologize for not writing for a while. I have been trying to think of a good subject for my next post and to be honest, I just have too many things to write about and I am having trouble pinning one thing down! First I guess lets talk about summer! It's finally here, shining bright and beautiful! The warm weather always makes me think of travel, I just want to get in a car and drive. The warm weather also makes me feel reconnected with the Earth and my spirituality. Watching as the trees go from barren to leaves almost overnight is always so magical.

One of my other posts was going to be about Earth Day. I think I am still going to write it because the environment is a really big important thing that we, as a society, should really focus more on. I know a lot of us are 'aware' of what is happening with the environment, but not nearly enough of us - myself included - are active enough with doing something about it.  I think every day should be Earth Day and I am going to stop myself there before I start ranting, and will talk more about that in my Earth Day post.

Mother's Day is another post I have been working on, as I have said in previous entries, my mother is the top dog of my important people list. I mean, she gave me life so...that's kind of a big deal. I mean really her and my dad are hand in hand for that position, but for different reasons. So much of me came from what I learned from them, I have been told by a few people that I look exactly like both of my parents and on the inside I definitely feel both of my parents' influence on me as a person. But for my Mother's Day post I really wanted to celebrate and honour my mom because aside from the regular 'she's my mom and I love her' stuff, she is actually a really amazing person who has done a lot in her life that I feel needs to me given more credit. 

I also have another post that I am trying to solidify the idea, it has to do with the people I see every day. I want to talk about people, some days it feels like I hate everyone because of stress and crowds (especially when I am in a hurry) but when I take a second to calm down and let the world flow, I look around and see people as individuals, not just a faceless crowd of people. When I let myself see individual people, I feel love for them, I try to imagine the kind of people they are, where they are going, what their families are like. It strikes me that probably a good chunk of people on the train with me watch the same TV shows that I do, or listen to the same music, have read the same books. We aren't so different from each other, and everyone has a story.

Let me know if you have any other ideas for me to talk about, and let me know if you have a preference to a post you would like to see out first :)

AMR

~ Oriona

Self Care and Body Image

Something I think that a lot of people tend to forget about is Self Care. You know how when you're on an airline and they say - if in an emergency, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else, or there's that other saying - physician, heal thyself. That's because you can't do anything for anyone else if you are suffering yourself. It's so very important to take care of yourself. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eat when you're hungry, relax when you are stressed out, etc.

When I was in school, I was involved in a lot of activities and I had a lot of friends so those things on top of my school work could be really overwhelming. As time went on I felt myself struggling to keep up with everything and I was becoming more and more stressed out - as I know a lot of students do. What I did to deal with all of that was I made a schedule for myself. I made it so I only worked on my school work at school, that way I knew when I got home I could just relax. The most important thing I ensured was that every night I was getting enough sleep. I didn't pull any 'all nighters' I would just wake up early in the morning and work on whatever it was. This method really did a lot to reduce my stress and gave me time to wind down but also helped me keep alert and my mind well rested when I needed to think.

 Another thing I did, or rather didn't do, was cram-study for tests or exams. I found that when I did, my mind was so focused on the things I tried to remember that I all but completely forgot everything else, I just drew a blank. So when I was in class, I took small notes, but mostly just paid attention to the discussion. It worked really well for me in the end and I ended up with a GPA of 3.8. :) Mom was really proud. Now I'm not trying to tell people not to study, if it works for you, that's great :) this is just what worked for me.

Anyway, I just really think that self care is super important, life just gets really overwhelming sometimes and when we try to take on everything at once, we tend to crash. That's why another one of my rules for myself is to take everything one step at a time. I am religious about making lists to help keep my thoughts organized, it helps me prioritize and remember everything I need to do. I also like to break things down for myself and give myself baby-step goals to help me accomplish something. But as far as self care, I like listening to relaxing music, especially classical acoustic guitar or Dan Gibson's Solitudes. I also like to give myself relaxing 'Goddess time' where I take a long, hot, candle-lit bath, then relax, listen to music, brush my hair, moisturize, etc. I call it Goddess time because that's how I treat myself and that's how I feel. It is wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Stress is highly destructive to a person spiritually, mentally, and even physically. That's why I always tell my friends and the people around me (especially myself) that you need to listen to your body, it knows what's up and can help you to figure out what it is so you can deal with it.

The second thing I want to talk about is body image, I work at a women's fashion store called Voluptuous that caters to plus-size women and I see so many people who just have a terrible view of themselves. All I see every day is beautiful ladies, but all they can see about themselves is big arms, or back fat, large backsides, broad shoulders, etc. Somehow these gorgeous ladies perceive themselves as ugly because they don't fit into a certain idealized image - which is ridiculous.

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way. If we all looked the same it would be a boring world. Also, the models who these women are trying to look like  - the models themselves don't even look like they do in their pictures. I think everyone needs to develop a healthy love and respect for themselves - not saying to be self-centered or conceited, but to love everything you are and accept the things that you aren't. Find things about yourself that you love. - for me it's my hair and eyes ;)

Being native, I use to be really ashamed of my white skin. I told my mom when I was probably about 13 or 14 that I wanted to dye my hair and go tanning so that people would believe me when I told them I was native. She told my dad and he took me aside and said "Mija, don't ever try to change who you are, the Creator made you this way for a reason. And don't let anyone else try to tell you who you are or where you come from. If you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." - It was from then on that I tried to always embrace myself and who I am, what I am, and the kind of person I am. I try to be the best I can and yes, I am white in my colouring, but my heart and my spirit will always be Native and I know that no one can ever take that from me.

As I got older, I started gaining weight too and my curves became more and more pronounced. Like anyone, I started seeing myself as fat and ugly, telling myself that I needed to lose weight. The past couple years I have learned a few things about that too. First, no one really notices your flaws until you point them out yourself. Next, when you see yourself as beautiful and you act the way you feel, that is how others will see you as well. Also, I have learned that people are always so focused on themselves and their own "flaws" that they really aren't going to even notice let alone care about any that you might perceive to have. Finally, I have learned not to compare myself to anyone else because that just breeds envy and not only that but comparing yourself to someone else is just foolish because you will never be them and they will never be you.

In the past while, I have started to see myself as beautiful and radiant, I just love me! - I don't think I am better or worse than anyone else but I am the very best ME there is. So there. I think that is enough for now, some food for thought (hopefully).

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Starchild Diaries, see you next time!

~ Oriona



Photo 1 Credit - http://www.mytripolog.com/2012/07/top-best-resorts-and-hotels-in-maldives/

Photo 2 Credit - http://www.iacg.co.in/viewportfolio.php

My Various Endeavours - The Starchild Diaries

So today I want to tell you all about my various...campaigns that I have attempted over the years. These are ideas I have had that were business or non-profit ideas that I started but then lost my stamina for the project. Now I have not entirely given up on all these ideas, they are just...sitting on my back burners for the time being. I guess I inherited more than my love for writing from my parents as they were also very resourceful, creative, and good sales people too.

My very first business that I can remember was at the Quartzsite, AZ Gem and Mineral show. Right before we had left, a friend of mine had given me this Crayola set for my birthday and I had brought it with me on the trip. While my parents were busy with our booth, my little brother and I would be running around playing and obviously, since we were in the desert, there were a lot of rocks and stones everywhere. One time I picked one up that was oddly shaped but to me, I saw the image of a mother holding her baby - so I just coloured in the rock to bring out what I was seeing. I still have that stone as you can see in the picture, it was the only one of the stones that I kept but it sparked an idea for me that actually turned out to be pretty lucrative for an 11 year old.

Stone and I would gather different rocks and wash them off and then I would colour them to look like different things. Mostly I would make little bugs or flowers I think, but some of them were pretty different, depending on what I saw. One of them turned out to be the Loch Ness Monster! - I was pretty proud of that one. We put them in a tray and made a little sign and then we walked around selling them to people. My mom always laughs because she couldn't believe that we had picked these rocks off the ground and were selling them to the people who were also selling rocks.

Another little business venture I had went over a few years. When we lived in Erie, my neighborhood always hosted a one day block sale where everyone would have a yard sale at the same time. We would get a couple thousand people pretty much every year. So me being the little entrepreneur that I am, I thought of setting up a lemonade stand because I had a 'secret ingredient' - which was lime juice FYI - that I thought just made my lemonade the very best. So I had a couple pitchers my first year and I set up in my front yard. It was going pretty good, and then an elderly gentleman asked me if I had any sugar free lemonade or something because he was diabetic. We did have some Splenda in the house so I made him a glass but this
got my wheels turning a bit more. I'll spare you all the details, but over the next few years my little lemonade stand grew to carry ice cold, regular and sugar free lemonade in two 10 gallon drink dispensers. The next year we started carrying hot dogs, then chips, and I developed the 'meal deal' where people could buy a glass of lemonade for 50 cents, chips for 75 cents, and a hot dog for $1.50 OR they could buy the meal deal and get all for $2.00. That year I made more at my lemonade stand then my parents did at the yard sale!


My next business ideas came after we moved back up to Canada, the first being dyed silk scarves that I sold at $10-$20 a piece. I learned the very delicate art of dying silk scarves at a workshop we took at this Christmas retreat we went to for a weekend. I also tried jewelry making because I had a couple bead boxes from our house in Erie and my sisters had been quite skilled at beading so I tried my hand at it. I even started a Facebook page called 'Sacred Star Creations' to try and sell my things online.

When I went to New Orleans to visit my friend, Abi, she taught me a new form of art called Splash Painting! To this day I still love it and try to do paintings fairly often because they are fun and turn out really nice, I think. My most recent splash paintings were a set of three that I made because I am redecorating our bathroom from a rain forest theme to the ocean and...I wanted some ocean-like art to put in there so I made these:

Yes that is real sand and those are real seashells hot-glued to the bottom, I spared no expense ;) What I would like to do is make a bunch of paintings, I have a lot of ideas for some, and sell them online or at an art house. It's possible...that could totally happen...(hahaha) I guess it's better than my idea for 'splash-line' where I splash painted clothes, hats, and other accessories.

I have also attempted a few other things that haven't exactly panned out, like my handmade paper, stationary, and journal business. I have not quit on this one, I just don't have everything I need yet. Also, becoming a chocolatier; again, I just need to you know, go to school for that. If nothing else, I will own my chocolate cafe one day and even if I don't make it myself, I will be serving a lot of chocolate products. Because chocolate is delicious and makes people happy. It has endorphins and antioxidants...oh my gosh so many antioxidants and those are good for you - so chocolate is also healthy! (everything in moderation is good) Not to mention the amazingly rich and ancient history that chocolate has - like how it use to be considered the drink of the gods! Cray cray! (omg I can't believe I just said that...and apparently it's staying)  I did a lot of reading up on chocolate when I was preparing a business plan for the government and I really learned a lot about chocolate that I find fascinating.

Anyway, the point of today's post was to share with you all of the random little ventures I have thought of and tried over the years. I think I have pretty much...touched on it lol. I really have my mom to thank for it because she use to tell me these stories that she made up called 'The Brave Little Adventure Girl' all about this little girl(me) who was always going on crazy adventures trying to provide for her family. So I guess I was inspired.

I am writing a kid's series based on these stories now just called the Adventure Girl series. The one I am working on right now is called Adventure Girl and the Missing Water Mystery. I want it to be in the same genre as books like Judy Moody, Junie B. Jones, Nancy Drew, and other series like that. Anyway, I hope you guys are continuing to enjoy my blog series, I never know what I am going to write about so I hope you don't mind the randomness. I sure as heck wasn't expecting to actually keep up with writing this even once a week, but here I am so far writing almost every day and it's turning out to be really fun! I think what I like the most is just getting all my thoughts out and having them heard. It's been really motivational hearing all the positive feedback on Facebook so I want to thank everyone for your support so far, I love you guys! :)

Anyway, have a wonderful rest of your day and I'll blog to you later :p

Ciao,

Oriona

Spring Cleaning/I Think I Might Want to be a Comedian - The Starchild Diaries

Good Morning!

I know it's afternoon, but I always find that good morning is the most cheerful greeting of the day. :) Today I have decided to cast open my curtains, let in the sunshine, and do a bit of spring cleaning. I am currently listening to one of my nostalgic childhood albums my mom use to play during our Saturday morning cleanup - The Carpenters Gold: Greatest Hits album. Obviously since I'm cleaning, I can't just sit here and write all day so I'll be back periodically...though I will just be posting the whole thing at the end of the day so for you it will all be at once...oh well, see you in a bit!

12:53 - just finished sorting the laundry. Not so easy to do when your darling little furry friends keep jumping in the basket and knocking it over to play. T_T Next up, throwing the laundry in and then we sweep and mop! before I do that though, I think I shall have a little break for lunch, I'm thinking grilled zucchini and cheese sandwich :p

5:13 - Okay so I didn't mop, and my break was a little longer than expected (the sandwich was delish btw) but I am happy to say that our apartment is now very near spotless! I am losing my gusto however, cleaning can take it out of you, but I think my issue was more the whole hour or so that it turned into a dance party for one - which was super fun for me and probably traumatizing for our kitties. Haha :p And the saga continues...

6:27 - Alright, I'm done cleaning for the day. I have been distracted to the point where I am seriously considering getting into stand-up comedy. Now I did take a aptitude test one time in 9th grade and ONE of my options was stand up comedian. Today, after I was finished listening to the Carpenters and then a bit of the Beatles, I started to think about what I might say if I were indeed a stand up comedian.

Have you ever been alone, and you just start talking out loud to yourself? But you're not talking to yourself, you're talking to people that you know or imagine and it's kind of like you are rehearsing conversations that you know are probably not EVER going to happen. Like I can't tell you how many times I have been on the Ellen show...in my mind. I am always there for some random reason, like she saw one of my Youtube videos of me being actually really boring but talking about things I find important for about 15 minutes.

Today, I was imaging being on stage doing a stand-up routine and I was talking to my 'audience' about cleaning...just saying right now, I was terrible. Even my make believe audience - which was my bed filled with clean, folded laundry - was booing me off stage. However, I really think I could be a comedian because every time I am around people and we are talking, they laugh a lot! Either because of me or something I said. I have never really pictured myself as a funny person but I don't know, maybe I am.

What I like most about the idea is that I love to make people laugh, my parents both have(had) great senses of humour. I remember them telling me and my siblings so many stories and jokes that had us all in stitches! When my family would get together in Ajo, AZ for Christmas, we would all stay up late into the night just sitting around my Nana and Tata's table listening to our parents tell stories and jokes. My Aunt Rachel, I remember, was especially funny to me because she would be in the middle of telling a joke - in Spanish, which most of us didn't understand - and she would be laughing so hard, she would have tears streaming down her face and she would just be snorting and cackling - that good kind of - can't breathe - belly laugh, half way through the joke! So, we couldn't understand what she was saying anyway but she couldn't even make it through the telling of the joke because she was already laughing too hard and we would all be laughing just as hard, just because of her!

There is one story that my Dad use to tell and it was one of my favourites and I would like to share it with you now. Now I said in my first entry that my family use to travel around a lot. My Dad use to travel by himself sometimes because us kids had to go to school and Mom would stay with us etc. etc. And he use to go and do shows and Pow Wows to sell his books and the Native crafts we would make at home like Dream Catchers, Medicine Wheels, and other stuff. Anyway, one time he was at this Pow Wow and I guess he was friends with the guy who owned the property it was being held on. So anyway, he had to use the washroom so he asked someone where it was and they told him. But they warned my dad that the owner had a pet goose that hung around that area who was very ornery and VERY territorial so he should be cautious.

When my dad was walking up to the washroom building, out comes this big old goose charging towards him honking and flapping his wings. My poor dad panicked and his first instinct was to just reach out and thwack the big bird on his head. And the goose sorta um...sagged down and staggered away and Dad kind of panicked and felt bad, thinking he might have seriously hurt the thing. But he went into the washroom and when he came back out the goose was nowhere to be seen.

Later on, my dad and his friend(the owner) were walking together and chatting when they came to the area around the washrooms. Again, the goose comes charging out honking and flapping his wings - until he catches sight of my Dad. The goose stopped in his tracks, looked at them for a second and then turned his tail and ran! The guy was surprised and said, "well that was strange, he's never done that before!" And my Dad is all, "Yeah, weird..."  - and I always crack up at that story. Even now as I am writing it up to share with you, my dear reader (I've always wanted to say that), I am chuckling thinking of this big old goose stopping dead in his tracks with a shocked look on his face.

What I also love is how my parents use to make each other laugh. They both had infectious laughs that could make anyone join in even if you didn't know what you were laughing at. Anyway, I guess that is all for tonight(because it is now 9:40pm) I am going to wrap up this post because it is already much too long. But I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for sharing my day with me and I hope you have a wonderful evening :)

Salutations!

~ Oriona