My Life Rebuilding - Part 1

Soundtrack: Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith

There was a time not that long ago where I would have been terrified to stand by myself in this world. No matter how much I asserted otherwise, I really did put the responsibility of my happiness on another person. Now for the past few months I have gone through several phases of grieving the person I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to become.


Back in November, I ended things with my long term boyfriend. It took me a really long time to make this difficult decision and it wasn't made lightly. I wanted everything with him, the wedding, the house, the family... but I felt so abandoned in the relationship. I don't think it was anyone's fault, and it's not like there was a lack of love between us; it's just that we are so different. We had different needs from a relationship and I felt very depressed when my needs weren't being met. I knew that what I needed he couldn't give without putting a lot of strain on himself and having to change the way he lived and I loved him too much to ever ask that of him anyway.


I feel a lot of the happiness I had in the relationship came from dreaming about how I wanted things to be in the future. I would dream about our wedding and dream house; our future children. It was nothing that extravagant, but I always dreamed that when "something" would happen (our own place, getting a car, etc.), all of a sudden we would start actually doing things together as a couple and one day as a family. All the while I was staying blissfully ignorant to the reality which was that even the basic things that should come in a relationship - at least in my mind and for what I need - weren't happening. I communicated my feelings and needs and there was some effort, but after a time things would go back into the same rut as before. I grew more and more depressed. When I left for school, it was one of the final 'clicks' in my brain that I knew it was over. For one reason or another he wasn't there to see me off - and this wasn't anything new. Being that I had told him how I was feeling at the end of my rope, I thought he might put in just a little effort to show he cared enough to try, but maybe he knew the end was near too.


I will admit I have a little bitter disappointment left in my heart, but like I said before I don't blame him and I'm not angry. We were just too different. Him and I still talk and I hope that we can build a friendship in the future. It was a hard day when I went to move the rest of my things from his apartment but he was so kind and helpful with everything. He really is a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life, it just can't be in the way that I had hoped.

~~~

After the breakup, I finally started to come out of my depression (I had been so down I was barely able to get out of bed to go to class even once a week). Though it would be several months before I actually stepped out of the darkness consuming my heart.

I can't remember if I have written about this before, but I want to tell you about my connection to my hair. When my father was on his death bed, my sister Rebecca had cut off her braid in mourning and gave it to him. I was raised with the belief that cutting your hair is a huge gesture because your hair is representative of your spirit and strength and it is only cut when in mourning or if something very tragic happens. When my sister cut her hair, I knew that what was happening with my father was a lot more serious than I had realized. It was then that I wanted to cut my hair as well, but my father made me promise not to and to grow it out long. Since that day I had grown my hair out, only getting split ends trimmed once in a while. Seeing someone cut their long hair or shaving their head has always been very jarring and emotional for me because in my eyes they look sad, defeated, and in mourning.

The day after the break, I went to First Choice and had them cut my hair, which was all the way to my lower back, to right at my shoulders. I also asked them to gather it for me so I could take care of it properly. I didn't cry though, I felt very hollow. To me I was grieving the loss of everything we were, everything I wanted, and the person I thought I was for a long time.

Habits - Tove Lo

For the next couple of months I was in a very dark, self destructive phase. It was less extreme than I am making it sound because I'm not a huge risk taker, but I was definitely in a very dark place and under a lot of stress trying to catch up with assignments I had fallen behind on.

As time went on, the pain became less but I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around - if you could even get me to hang out. I made a lot of my friends angry at my unavailability, my self destructive behaviour, my moodiness, my flakeyness, and my general depressing mood. Finally one of my friends told me I was really crappy to be around and that I needed to snap out of it. That made me angry and a little resentful but being the brat I am, I put on a happy face and pretended I was fine until I almost started to believe it myself. I decided to shut everyone out, I don't really like to burden people with my problems or feelings anyway. (as I write all this out on my blog lol) I made other people my priority and just suffered through my own issues in silence and behind closed doors. I feel very, very alone. The problem with being a person who smiles all the time is when I finally need to cry, (even though they try) no one knows how to handle it.

~~~

So I passed my first semester with decent grades and got everything done I needed to in order to start my placement in January. I spent my birthday and winter break quietly and with a lot of alone time. I only really went out for Christmas at my Grandmother's. My little brother surprised me with a little digital camera which I was really excited about because I had been wanting to get back into photography and I had mentioned that to him months and months before and I couldn't believe he had remembered. It was really sweet. I actually got pretty spoiled with presents, especially from my room mates who bought be all this Doctor Who stuff (I am a pretty big fan - shh!). I was happy to have the house to myself for a couple of days though. I found it was a good time for me to rest and reflect.

In January I started my final semester placement at an Aboriginal Friendship Centre and figured out very quickly that it was definitely what I have always wanted to do and I found myself a lot more working there. With every task I completed, I felt my confidence grow and it felt good to have people look at me like I was responsible and capable. It felt like a fresh start and I could feel myself come back very quickly. My new coworkers were very funny and supportive and easy to talk to - we became very fast friends. I couldn't have been happier.

As the semester started coming to an end however, it seemed like everything happened all at once.


To be continued...

Starting a Business is Hard

So I am mentally banging my head against a wall in frustration. You guys might have read my other blog posts about my previous business ventures, the latest one being home made soap. It hasn't panned out and for a few reasons I doubt that I will be revisiting that idea any time soon. However, I am trying to get something else going, some of you may have seen my Facebook page Starchild Creations. Basically it is crafts and stuff that I make/am going to make in the future. I am starting online and hope to expand to wholesale and craft shows in the future.

New Business Card

But because I am not 12 anymore and I want this to be a legit business, it is going to take a lot more than just setting up a stand in the front yard (not that I even have one because we live in an apartment). Right now I am trying my best to set up an Etsy shop which is fairly straight forward but there is a lot that goes into it before I actually want to start posting things for sale.  For instance, the shop policies. I have never written store policies before and I want to be clear and all-encompassing and fair, and I did try my best to do that, providing information that I think is applicable to my shop. I am sure that there will be things in the future that will lead me to add or edit my policies. The thing that has me the most head-bangingly frustrated though is shipping. Trying to mail something in Canada and trying to get information from the post office about how to calculate costs is like pulling teeth.

Slot of Doom

I spent most of today online and on the phone with various Canada Post representatives trying just to figure out the dimensions of the 'slot of doom' as I have seen it being called on various Etsy and general discussion boards. By the way if you were wanting to know it is: length - 380mm X width - 270mm X height - 20mm. That's millimeters for my American readers - not that I think you would need to know because you guys have that awesome flat-rate shipping, but just in case you were wondering. I took the measurements and made my own cardboard 'slot of doom.'

Anyway, if a package doesn't fit through the 'slot of doom' or if it is over 500 grams in weight, then it becomes a small parcel package. Then in order to calculate the cost of shipping - in addition to size and weight, you also have to know where it is going which is hard if you are selling online and don't happen to know which really awesome person is going to want to buy from you.

SO I was then recommended this thing for businesses called Canada Post web services or something. Anyway it is some kind of software for businesses that hooks up to your Etsy (or other online selling website) and calculates shipping based on the item and where the customer is coming from so they can see how much shipping is. Now I am just trying to figure out how to install this thing and I can't so far. Their 'technical support' was no help but I got an email with another number so I am going to call them tomorrow and see if I can get someone to walk me through it. Once I know how to do it I am going to endeavour to post a tutorial to help others in the future who struggle with the same thing.

AND THEN apart from the oh-so-delightful phone and internet stuff, it was -14*C today. Not too bad, but the windchill made it hella cold. I did not think about this as I ran out the door with only my coat and scarf in search of the John Bead craft supply store that mom recommended to me. It was so freezing cold out at one point I got an ice headache - no joke. The pain was real, and all I could think about while trekking through the cold snow in soft fabric shoes, fighting the painfully cold wind, was how much I want my business to be a success. Wanna know what I was going for? Bead caps and eye pins so I can make these:

into necklaces. I found out however, when I got to John Bead, that they were closed. Oh, it was wonderful. *sarcasm* I actually said out loud 'no, no, NO!!' - complete with the defeated smack of my hand against the unyielding cold of the locked door. Then I thought, 'hey! I'll just go to Walmart!' - This is where I got the ice headache - and only to find that nope! Walmart didn't have them!

 The good news is that I did get some business cards done and a couple test-cards to go with the Stone People Medicine. They don't fold right though...but that (I have to keep telling myself) is a problem to be solved another day.

On the short term, I know how much shipping will cost for the stones that fit through the slot of doom so I will be able to get those up hopefully tonight. Tomorrow I will be leaving early to make sure I don't miss old Johnny boy (John Bead) and then I will be getting the caps and pins and by tomorrow I plan on having some necklaces up. Also some earrings because I found a bag of carved feather charms that came from my dad's crafting stuff. I know he wouldn't want them just sitting around in my crafting things when they could be used to provide for his family so that is what I am going to do.

That's another thing I always admired about my dad, he was never greedy. He got what he needed to survive and be successful but that was it. He never really needed material things and whatever he had he usually gave it away when he found someone that he felt it was really meant for. He took his worldly pleasures from the simple things in life, like having his eggs and coffee done the way he liked. Anyway I feel myself getting emotional and I would rather not cry over my key board. Well, too late I guess, lol. It's been a long day. I miss my dad.

Hope you have a good night - stay warm
Oriona

800 VIEWS!!!

Oh my goodness, I just recently looked at my statistics for my blog and realized that The Starchild Diaries is now just past 800 views!! Thank you guys so much for all the support! I really can't express how amazing it is for me that so many people read my blog. When I started it I honestly thought that it wouldn't really amount to anything and I really doubted that very many people would want to read it. This is mainly because I know that my blog - like me - is really all over the place, sometimes I am joking and sometimes I am serious and sometimes I am just weird.  But I was surprised when some of my readers either messaged me or came up to me in person and, if I hadn't written in a while, would point it out to me - they noticed and what's more, they were looking forward to my next post. That struck me as truly amazing and wonderful and made me feel really good about what I was doing. 

I share a lot about myself on this blog, my feelings, thoughts, ideals, and experiences. It doesn't really have a theme, but it is all about my life and who I am as a person. I am really happy that I get to share all this with you. I hope you continue to enjoy to read my articles and one day I hope you enjoy reading my books. :) Again I just want to thank you guys so, so much for all the support - from the bottom of my heart. <3

- Oriona

Valentine's Month - February

Ah, February in Canada, nothing says romance quite like the freezing cold air that makes my face hurt. Not to mention the lovely snow that recently got dropped on us is just ever so delightful in my soaking wet boots. I guess you could say though that this kind of weather is perfect for...cuddling though. ;)

Valentine's Day is just on the 15th, but just like every other major holiday it has become hugely commercialized, and preparation for the day of hearts and flowers begins even before they have played out every single version of our beloved holiday tunes on the radio. Remember the good old days where it was just boxing day? Then it turned into boxing week, and then boxing month which miraculously also stretched way past that - but anyway, I digress. This is going to be an interesting February I think, with the film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey coming out on - you guessed it - Valentine's Day! I will admit I have read all three books along with the other 99% of the world's heterosexual female population. It doesn't surprise me that the book was and is so popular, I feel like it is becoming more widely acceptable for women to be comfortable with their sexuality. For us not to feel ashamed of ourselves and what we choose to do with our bodies. I laugh when I remember a conversation I had with my adopted grandmother and her absolute shock when I exclaimed that 'I would never marry a guy without sleeping with him first!' - that's like buying a car without test driving it! My mother raised me to feel comfortable with my own body and it makes me sad when I talk to some of my friends and learn that not only are they uncomfortable, but they are also ashamed!

But anyway, I feel a rant coming on and right now I want to talk about VALENTINE'S DAY!! yay woot woot and all that... Anyway, yes, I would say that 50 Shades of Grey was a lot like many romance novels, just a lot more blunt and descriptive. I like that it made openness of sexuality more main stream and I think it will be remembered in history for being a game changer but not as any real literary masterpiece. I mean let's be honest, it started as Twilight fan fiction... enough said. Needless to say that on my other blog Media Reviews by Oriona, although I will not be reviewing the book, I will however be reviewing the movie. I just have to, as a blogger hoping to make a name for myself I would be stupid not to review this movie! I might even make an effort to go on opening day, brave the crowds of hormone crazed ladies who are pining to finally see Christian Grey on the big screen.

For those of you actually celebrating Valentine's Day, have fun and try not to cave under the relentless pressure from the media to buy bigger and more expensive. It is just a day to celebrate love and show extra appreciation for that special someone.

I know that when I post this Valentine's Day is over and I hope you had a good one :)
~Oriona






Photo credits:

https://plumatinteroypapell.wordpress.com/2013/06/25/the-note-english/

Unrequited

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago. It almost makes me laugh to read it now, but I know it came from a very dark place and to me, this is probably still the best poem I feel I have written...I haven't written any in a long time though which is good because I only write poetry when I am depressed so... anyway, here it is, I hope you like it.

                                 Unrequited

You lie to me                                                           that's alright.

Your
      Broken
          Promises                                                       are like velvet in my ear

Your
      Sinful
          Touch                                                           like fire on my skin.



Your words, I want you...

An invitation I cannot refuse.

So have me,
I am yours

Yours to take,
Yours to use

Use me.

I know the hurt will come, it always does.


But this I can endure because, 

You love me too...                                                              right?




Rest assured this poem is completely irrelevant for me now, but I just wanted to preserve it anyway. I feel that past emotions are important to remember because they have led to where you are now. I want to correct my previous statement, it isn't 'irrelevant' exactly, it is a part of me and these are words from an experience that shaped who I am today and for that, I am grateful.

For anyone reading this poem and possibly relating to it, I want you to know the lesson I took away from this experience. You are never stuck, and you deserve happiness. Your world does not begin or end with another person, it begins with you. The minute you decide to free yourself from any situation that is causing you pain, life gets so much better. Start living for you and the people who are there and actually care for you. When I decided to liberate myself, when I decided that I deserved better and would find better one day, it was so freeing. A weight was lifted and just there, by myself I felt whole. I still do. So don't hold yourself back from happiness, stand up and claim it for yourself.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.
~Oriona

My Calling

I don't remember exactly when I realized it, but for a really long time now I have realized that my calling in this life is writing. I really hit the nail on the head this morning when talking to my mom. I really love all forms of art, but the one that I feel I really have a grasp of is writing and story telling. I see pictures like this:

- and I want to be able to paint that in someone's mind. I want to be able to write in such detail as to create this in someone's head. I know the joy of reading a really good book and getting so immersed in the story I don't even see the book anymore, it becomes like a movie playing in my head. Writing is my art form and I have so many ideas and stories that I know this is what I am meant to do. 

As I think I have said before, my long term plan is to write (hopefully) successful books and also own my own business which would be a store/cafe. Although I love writing and have every faith that I will become an accomplished author, I also recognize the need for a steady income.

On that note, I also need a steady income right now, and as I am currently staying with my mother while she recovers from surgery, that has become next to impossible. Lately I have been looking for online jobs which is a challenge because I have never had an online job so I am unfamiliar with how it works. It's hard trying to find something that I even qualify for and then I have to try and make my application stand out from the others and I am not sure how you do that online. In person, I can smile and have a friendly chat with my prospective employers but online I'm just a resume. Anyway, I am sure I will figure it out. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am never short of entrepreneurial ideas.

Getting back to my books, that is going very well so far. I just finished a story called Grandfather Eagle about a little girl who finds and raises a baby eagle. One day he is taken away and released into a nature preserve. He is happy there but misses the girl so he finds his way back to her. - The only thing I need now is an illustrator to do the drawings for my book. Until I find my artist though, I will get back to writing my other on the go books. There's The Ripple Effect which I think is going to be my big one. I also have the first of a series I am working on called the Adventure Girl series, based on stories my mom use to tell me when I was little. I have a lot of ideas with my books, like trying to make them all connected somehow. 

Okay I am kind of excited so I want to talk about some of my other story ideas, here's two:

1. Working title: Journey, about a young woman who either has amnesia and doesn't remember who she is OR she is a runaway from a foster home. But either way she is on the road following clues to who she really is and where she is from. She works odd jobs to get from place to place and also solves mysteries and helps the people that she meets. I want this to be a series, and I might work in some kind of supernatural element to the story but I'm not sure yet. 

2. No working title yet, but I am thinking a future almost post-apocalyptic but not quite. The earth is dying and people are either living in anarchy or they are following crazed, warped, and extreme religions. Somehow, I haven't worked it out yet, but some select people end up being blasted into space as a last attempt to find habitable planets for mankind to move to. The main character is one of these people but I'm not sure which direction I am going to take it from there. Will she find a planet? Will some freak accident happen leaving her with powers? Will it be more of a spiritual book? Will she enter a different dimension? 

Best way to figure it out is to write it out so that's what I am going to do!

Until later,
Oriona

Picture Credit: http://pichost.me/1560923/

A Walk in Two Worlds

It is really strange being a child of two worlds. There's the "white" part of me that looks something like this:

That part of me loves books and writing and art, Disney movies (obviously), and other 'western world' things, sometimes she wants to get dressed up and go dancing and be elegant and maybe even one day rich and successful.

 But then there's the First Nation side of me who doesn't really care about material things and just wants to downsize all my belongings down to a van and go on a spiritual adventure. That's the part of me that wants to live at one with nature and I basically try to apply my spirituality and culture in my every day life, but when someone asks me what my background is, and I tell them I am Native American, and they say 'no you're not' - I can't even express how much it frustrates me.

Maybe it's stupid - as a lot of people tell me, that I shouldn't care what other people say - which I try, but this is a deep rooted issue. When I was younger, I didn't even know I looked white until other people pointed it out to me. When we went to South Dakota the kids there would say: 'why are you here? you're white.' And when I would try to talk to the kids at school about my culture they would tease me and say 'what, can you talk to birds Pocahontas?' Now I am older and every time I see an elder or another First Nations person I want to talk to them in the way that feels natural, like saying 'Hello Grandfather, here would you like to sit down?" I shy away because I am afraid they will see a "wannabe white girl." One time I was at the Peterborough Canoe Museum and when we were sharing food that an elder had prepared and brought in for us, I got up to help because that was the respectful thing to do. My classmates were just sitting there waiting to be served and then they started whispering 'what is she doing?' and 'why is she dressed like that' (I was wearing a long skirt - omg so weird right?) and then when I was talking to one of  the museum people about my background he got mad and called me "one of those hippie-dippie types" - which might be part of the reason I am shy now. The only time I felt like I belonged and that people accepted me at face value is when my dad was alive. Being introduced as "Manny Twofeathers' daughter" left very little room for doubt about my heritage. Now I'm going through this identity crisis where I don't know which side is the real me.

When I look like this:

 But feel like this:

I just don't know, it's like I know who I am but I feel like a poser even though I know it's not true. Then the logical `wise` side to me remembers what my dad told me when I wanted to go tanning and colour my hair black, he said; "Mija, don`t ever let anyone try to tell you who you are. When you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." And Sacred Star Woman would tell Oriona that both sides are equally part of who I am. As long as I walk in my truth then that is all that matters. Creator made me the way I am supposed to be for one reason or another. Even walking through these city streets, when I feel the wind blow through my hair and hear the Thunder Beings rolling in, I feel the Creator and I know who I am - even though I struggle sometimes. I hope that one day I will fully be able to realize and accept all aspects of myself. The pressure is on now that I am trying to follow in my father's footsteps. But he wore big moccasins so maybe I will need to take a path that runs beside the one he followed.

AMR
~Oriona Star Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos above, they belong to Disney.

Words I Live By

"The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

That is one of my all time favourite quotes; one that has given me hope through some of my darkest times. Lately, I have been going through another one of those dark times. I think it started with not being able to go to school this year(financial reasons) and then looking around thinking 'what now?' Truly, I felt like I had been running a race - the kind that you run in your dreams but the thing is you can barely move and aren't even moving forward - and then I felt like I had lost. I felt like I had failed, or fallen off the horse one too many times and didn't know where I could find the strength to get back up one more time.

Many of you who read this blog know me fairly well, at least enough to know that I am a very positive person and usually I come up with something to get me going again. Well I did, and that idea is soap. My friend Shawna and I have started a handcrafted soap business, we have the tools, supplies, and passion to get it going. And we have been, I have every faith that with hard work we could be the next body shop. Eventually I want to get into bath bombs and lotions and other things as well. 

But then there is also my writing, I want to be an author, and I have a book going in just about every genre you can think of. I am looking for a literary agent and hoping against hope that one day my books can make some kind of a difference in this world. Also in the mean time of all that, I am also looking for a regular job to help support Scott and I while we try to navigate through our lives together. In some respects, I feel very successful, and in others I just feel like an utter failure.

I recently posted an ad on Kijiji called 'Ambitious Idealist Looking for Sponsor' - it was kind of  a whim that I posted it. Basically, I was looking for someone crazy enough to 'donate' some funds towards my ideas because they, like me, think they are worth something. - Turns out that it's not that crazy of an idea. Do you know people actually get paid to play video games at home? It's called streaming and basically they sit there on web cam, and you can also see their game screen and people pay them to sit and play because they want to watch. and I'm thinking; well, why can't I get paid to write my books or something? Anyway, can you believe I actually got some replies? I don't know what is going to happen with all that, but don't worry I will be careful.

There's also this contest being put on by Alesse, and a person could win $5000 towards their idea. the thing is, I have so many I don't know which one to enter! Can anyone help with this?

That's it for now - have a good one,
Oriona

PS

The other words I live by are:

You are never stuck, no matter what, there is always a way.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.