Another Chapter

I know I haven't written in a very long time and that is because for a while now I have felt the need to withdraw into myself for some introspection. I started this process in a very dark place. Day after day would go by that I barely even got out of bed. The apartment got progressively more messy which only added to what I realized was a growing depression. I can't remember now exactly what triggered it. Maybe it was a collection of a lot of things that just came crashing down on me. I woke up one day and decided that no matter what life was throwing at me, I had to be stronger than what I was being - that I AM stronger than that. I started with baby steps, setting little goals for myself. I got better but I wasn't tip top until Scott and I came back from our annual "camping retreat." I've gone there every year my entire life but this time really changed me. I gained new perspective on myself and I was able to let go of a lot of things that have been holding me back for a long time. 

So now I am starting a new chapter. I am going back to school and that means I am moving to Peterborough for the school year. I will be on my own for a while and I know it will be hard to be away from Scott, but I am looking forward to taking the time for myself. I think it is important for people to get to know themselves completely, become independent, and learn to love themselves and enjoy their own company. That way when they come into a relationship, they are coming as two complete individuals who make up an equal partnership. This year will be for me to get to know myself again and take time to improve myself in all the ways I feel are necessary.

I have been making my lists and getting prepared for going away - I'm really excited to get on with life. I have also made another decision for myself that even though I know it will be really good for me overall, I am already starting to feel the tug of anxiety from withdrawal. The decision is to downgrade from my iphone to a flip phone and to generally pull back a few steps from technology. I'll still use my computer and stuff, but I don't want to constantly be plugged in. Today I called my phone company and changed my plan to a basic talk and text and when I finish this post I will be heading out to go and get my new phone. 

Let me explain my decision a bit more in depth. I have realized that since I got this phone, I have gradually stopped doing things I used to love such as writing, reading actual books, painting, crafting, etc. Replacing all those things with browsing the internet on my phone. I don't like that at all and I want to get back to myself again. I also want to pull back from facebook - which I have in a way because I don't post too much on there - but I want to take it a step further and get back to old fashioned pen and paper for keeping in touch with people.

I know what a lot of people are thinking now, 'I always knew that Oriona was weird, but now she's just gone absolutely bonkers.' But before you are too quick to judge, I just want to say that I find communication has become so accessible that it has also become superficial. I go on facebook every day and I look at what other people post and then I get off. I don't actually talk to anyone really anymore and that's because I don't feel the need to - all my questions are answered one I log in. Actually talking to someone would feel redundant. I'm really not good at keeping in touch and when I realize that fully, it breaks my heart and makes me question myself as a person.

Do you know I have never sent any of my siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, or nieces and nephews a card for their birthday even? To be honest, I only have about 5 people's birthday's memorized including my own. It makes me sick that I need facebook to remind me when my own brother or sister's birthday is because apparently I don't care enough to remember or at least write it
on a calendar. 

Sorry for the rant, but I miss the days of laying in my room or out in the yard just reading - just doing that - not checking my phone for messages or quickly checking facebook for - I don't even know what. I want those days back of being able to concentrate and not being so divided. I want to be able to take the time, thought, and effort to send someone a letter saying that I miss and love them. I want each action to have meaning and thought behind it. I am tired of experiencing my life through my devices. I'll still have my internet, but from now on I want to use my computer as a tool, not a lifestyle.

In other news, I am sure some of you may have heard of the fund raiser I started for my mom. She is in a pretty tough spot right now, but this fundraiser has really given her a new spark of hope. So far we have raised over $300 and that has helped her in more ways than just financial. I had been talking to her for a few days after she lost her job and I could hear her spirit just fading, she sounded so defeated. Then I told her about the fund raiser and that started bringing her back and once we got the first couple of donations I started hearing hope and joy back in her voice. When I got off the phone with her that time I started crying my eyes out because I felt like I had almost lost her again. But now she's coming back again and that makes me so relieved and happy.

Anyway, I am going to try and get myself back to posting on a semi-regular basis. I hope you are all doing well. 

Lots of Love
Oriona Star Woman

I am Not an Object

Article - Stop Telling Women to Be Afraid by Bianca Hall

I am so sick of the unwanted attention I receive almost every time I leave my apartment. Scott and I run on different schedules so it's impossible for him to be with me all the time. But he shouldn't have to be and I shouldn't feel the need to always have another person there to feel safe. It's sad that every time I am going somewhere, even if it's just the 2-3 blocks up to the grocery store, I have developed the habit of calling my mom or a friend or just anyone so I don't feel so alone when I am walking by myself. Most days I even try to dress down because I am afraid if I look too nice it will make it worse.

When I am walking alone, men will pull up in cars and call out to me, try to call me over. They tell me they 'like how I look' or that 'I have a nice shape.' They look me up and down like I am a piece of meat and it turns my stomach. I mean, it's one thing if a guy wants to ask me out and he does it by striking up a conversation then asks me out. I would obviously decline because I am already spoken for, but that's the polite way to show a girl interest. Not rolling by and slowly following her in your (serial killer) van repeating over and over 'I love that ass, I love that ass.' - that is actually what just happened to me as I was coming home from work today.

For some reason, the bus I was riding on my way home was going out of service the stop before mine so everyone had to get off. The weather isn't too bad so I just decided to walk the one block to our apartment building. Like usual when I have to walk by myself, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I walk by this little strip mall and a white van is just leaving. I hear the guy driving saying something but I don't really pay attention. Then he gets louder and I hear "OH WOW! I love that ass." And then he just keeps calling that out to me over and over. I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn't listen and just kept following me in his van slowly, watching me walk and continuing to call out to me. Even though I was on the phone with my mom I felt so vulnerable because there was nothing I could do to make him stop. I felt so violated. I was just walking down the street, and it wasn't even like he was interested in me, he just saw me as some live entertainment. A white girl with a ghetto booty - as people have referred to my backside curve before.

Normally I just try to ignore this kind of thing, but it happens so often I just got frustrated. Today was the last straw and when I got home, try as I might, I couldn't hold back the tears and I bawled for a good long while. I hate feeling vulnerable and I resent being treated like less of a person because of women being over-sexualized in the media.

I think women should be free to be who they are, express themselves, dress how they want, and just be without the fear that somehow we are going to attract attention that we don't want. What drives me crazy is that some people would blame me, as if I have any control over what other people think or how they act. Women are blamed a lot for these kinds of things and worse because people ask things like 'what was she wearing?' - In my case, long black pants a coat and scarf (racy, I know *sarcasm*). The bottom line, it isn't the fault of the person being assaulted - ever. No one asks to be hurt or harassed like that, no one wants that kind of attention forced on them. I certainly didn't feel like crying after work today - I just wanted some lunch. I don't want to feel afraid to walk by myself every time I leave my apartment, but experience of living in this area has taught me to be.

One guy got mad at me because apparently he said hi to me a lot and I didn't remember him and I was also trying to get away from him because I didn't want to talk to him and he said I was being rude, like I am obligated to be nice and talk to a guy giving me really unwanted attention. Other than having the body type I was born with and you know, going out into society like a normal person, I don't do anything to consciously attract this attention. Most of the time it feels like a surprise attack.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this when it happens because its like a hit-and-run kind of thing. Maybe ignoring it is my best bet until society matures a bit more and the general heterosexual male populous learns that treating women like objects is flat out not okay. That is the kind of mentality that leads to rape.

What makes me really sick is that the media influences people to do all kinds of things. They influence people to look, act, and dress a certain way. It feels like a vicious circle because girls are taught to be a certain way and guys are taught that girls who dress that way are 'easy pickings' but girls are just trying to be fashionable. Personally, I don't follow trends and I dress for myself. Either way, I can't win.

I just needed to vent and get this out there somehow because what else can I really do? Thanks for reading.


P.S. I love this song and will probably listen to it on repeat today.

Try - Colbie Caillat

Oh...and probably this one too:

U + Ur Hand - P!NK