I am Not an Object

Article - Stop Telling Women to Be Afraid by Bianca Hall

I am so sick of the unwanted attention I receive almost every time I leave my apartment. Scott and I run on different schedules so it's impossible for him to be with me all the time. But he shouldn't have to be and I shouldn't feel the need to always have another person there to feel safe. It's sad that every time I am going somewhere, even if it's just the 2-3 blocks up to the grocery store, I have developed the habit of calling my mom or a friend or just anyone so I don't feel so alone when I am walking by myself. Most days I even try to dress down because I am afraid if I look too nice it will make it worse.

When I am walking alone, men will pull up in cars and call out to me, try to call me over. They tell me they 'like how I look' or that 'I have a nice shape.' They look me up and down like I am a piece of meat and it turns my stomach. I mean, it's one thing if a guy wants to ask me out and he does it by striking up a conversation then asks me out. I would obviously decline because I am already spoken for, but that's the polite way to show a girl interest. Not rolling by and slowly following her in your (serial killer) van repeating over and over 'I love that ass, I love that ass.' - that is actually what just happened to me as I was coming home from work today.

For some reason, the bus I was riding on my way home was going out of service the stop before mine so everyone had to get off. The weather isn't too bad so I just decided to walk the one block to our apartment building. Like usual when I have to walk by myself, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I walk by this little strip mall and a white van is just leaving. I hear the guy driving saying something but I don't really pay attention. Then he gets louder and I hear "OH WOW! I love that ass." And then he just keeps calling that out to me over and over. I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn't listen and just kept following me in his van slowly, watching me walk and continuing to call out to me. Even though I was on the phone with my mom I felt so vulnerable because there was nothing I could do to make him stop. I felt so violated. I was just walking down the street, and it wasn't even like he was interested in me, he just saw me as some live entertainment. A white girl with a ghetto booty - as people have referred to my backside curve before.

Normally I just try to ignore this kind of thing, but it happens so often I just got frustrated. Today was the last straw and when I got home, try as I might, I couldn't hold back the tears and I bawled for a good long while. I hate feeling vulnerable and I resent being treated like less of a person because of women being over-sexualized in the media.

I think women should be free to be who they are, express themselves, dress how they want, and just be without the fear that somehow we are going to attract attention that we don't want. What drives me crazy is that some people would blame me, as if I have any control over what other people think or how they act. Women are blamed a lot for these kinds of things and worse because people ask things like 'what was she wearing?' - In my case, long black pants a coat and scarf (racy, I know *sarcasm*). The bottom line, it isn't the fault of the person being assaulted - ever. No one asks to be hurt or harassed like that, no one wants that kind of attention forced on them. I certainly didn't feel like crying after work today - I just wanted some lunch. I don't want to feel afraid to walk by myself every time I leave my apartment, but experience of living in this area has taught me to be.

One guy got mad at me because apparently he said hi to me a lot and I didn't remember him and I was also trying to get away from him because I didn't want to talk to him and he said I was being rude, like I am obligated to be nice and talk to a guy giving me really unwanted attention. Other than having the body type I was born with and you know, going out into society like a normal person, I don't do anything to consciously attract this attention. Most of the time it feels like a surprise attack.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this when it happens because its like a hit-and-run kind of thing. Maybe ignoring it is my best bet until society matures a bit more and the general heterosexual male populous learns that treating women like objects is flat out not okay. That is the kind of mentality that leads to rape.

What makes me really sick is that the media influences people to do all kinds of things. They influence people to look, act, and dress a certain way. It feels like a vicious circle because girls are taught to be a certain way and guys are taught that girls who dress that way are 'easy pickings' but girls are just trying to be fashionable. Personally, I don't follow trends and I dress for myself. Either way, I can't win.

I just needed to vent and get this out there somehow because what else can I really do? Thanks for reading.


P.S. I love this song and will probably listen to it on repeat today.

Try - Colbie Caillat

Oh...and probably this one too:

U + Ur Hand - P!NK

A Walk in Two Worlds

It is really strange being a child of two worlds. There's the "white" part of me that looks something like this:

That part of me loves books and writing and art, Disney movies (obviously), and other 'western world' things, sometimes she wants to get dressed up and go dancing and be elegant and maybe even one day rich and successful.

 But then there's the First Nation side of me who doesn't really care about material things and just wants to downsize all my belongings down to a van and go on a spiritual adventure. That's the part of me that wants to live at one with nature and I basically try to apply my spirituality and culture in my every day life, but when someone asks me what my background is, and I tell them I am Native American, and they say 'no you're not' - I can't even express how much it frustrates me.

Maybe it's stupid - as a lot of people tell me, that I shouldn't care what other people say - which I try, but this is a deep rooted issue. When I was younger, I didn't even know I looked white until other people pointed it out to me. When we went to South Dakota the kids there would say: 'why are you here? you're white.' And when I would try to talk to the kids at school about my culture they would tease me and say 'what, can you talk to birds Pocahontas?' Now I am older and every time I see an elder or another First Nations person I want to talk to them in the way that feels natural, like saying 'Hello Grandfather, here would you like to sit down?" I shy away because I am afraid they will see a "wannabe white girl." One time I was at the Peterborough Canoe Museum and when we were sharing food that an elder had prepared and brought in for us, I got up to help because that was the respectful thing to do. My classmates were just sitting there waiting to be served and then they started whispering 'what is she doing?' and 'why is she dressed like that' (I was wearing a long skirt - omg so weird right?) and then when I was talking to one of  the museum people about my background he got mad and called me "one of those hippie-dippie types" - which might be part of the reason I am shy now. The only time I felt like I belonged and that people accepted me at face value is when my dad was alive. Being introduced as "Manny Twofeathers' daughter" left very little room for doubt about my heritage. Now I'm going through this identity crisis where I don't know which side is the real me.

When I look like this:

 But feel like this:

I just don't know, it's like I know who I am but I feel like a poser even though I know it's not true. Then the logical `wise` side to me remembers what my dad told me when I wanted to go tanning and colour my hair black, he said; "Mija, don`t ever let anyone try to tell you who you are. When you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." And Sacred Star Woman would tell Oriona that both sides are equally part of who I am. As long as I walk in my truth then that is all that matters. Creator made me the way I am supposed to be for one reason or another. Even walking through these city streets, when I feel the wind blow through my hair and hear the Thunder Beings rolling in, I feel the Creator and I know who I am - even though I struggle sometimes. I hope that one day I will fully be able to realize and accept all aspects of myself. The pressure is on now that I am trying to follow in my father's footsteps. But he wore big moccasins so maybe I will need to take a path that runs beside the one he followed.

AMR
~Oriona Star Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos above, they belong to Disney.

Random Thoughts

I realize that I think some random things a lot so I have been jotting some of my thoughts down for the past while and decided to share them with you guys - enjoy!

Sept 20 
I see all these 'awesome pic/photography ideas' and all I can think is - do people actually just get together to take pictures that just make them look like they are having fun? Is that a fun activity? 'Omg now that we are done in the pool, let's go take pics of us throwing leaves around for fall!' Why don't people just go have fun and take spontaneous pictures of actually having fun? Is maintaining the appearance of a happy life more important than actually living it?

Sept 24
I wonder if I should just post my random thoughts on Tumblr- that's what everyone else does

What if I don't even realize I'm having random thoughts because it seems normal to me?

Sept 26
Do you ever see a person and think 'I could totally be friends with that person' - and you want to be friends with them but you're too shy to actually say anything

Usually when that happens I think they will miss judge me because I'm usually more comfortable around 'weird' people but I don't think my appearance always reflects that.

September 30
Laying sick in bed I realize how truly not good I'm feeling when I realize I'm laying here trying to figure out how folding chairs work.

By the way did I mention that I've had my phone for a year and only realized a week or so ago that the reason I couldn't hear anything was because my 'screen protector' - actually the packaging I just never took off - was covering the ear piece. - I feel like one of those really special kind of dumb people, like that person who doesn't know the sun is a star. fml.


October 4
Okay, so I enjoy a broad spectrum of entertainment everything from Oscar winning masterpieces to spongebob squarepants. And I'm like this with everything pretty much; music, books, my taste in fashion, my sense of humour, etc. and some people might say something like 'oh well this is stupid, I only listen to classic rock because it has soul and the music today sucks and has no soul - but I'm like 'hey, this is a pretty good song and it makes me happy to listen to it.' Why do people have to be so pretentious? I mean some people actually just refuse to like something BECAUSE it's so popular - what kind of system is that? Has the need to be unique forced people to become this crazy? How about liking stuff because YOU like it and leave everyone else out of it? Or vice versa?

October 8
I'm the type of person that would stretch with a drink in my hand and accidentally dump it on my head.

Little kids scare the crap out of me - especially 2 year olds - they just constantly run around doing stuff to get themselves hurt or they just tear stuff up and laugh like crazy little psychos

Went to go see Annabelle with my friend the other day and I was fine until she told me she hadn't been able to sleep because of nightmares - then last night I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing this sh** in my head:


So I smudged myself and my room and concentrated hard on my happy place!!


Last but not least, with my mom and brother coming this weekend, all I can think is:

Cleaning is the grown up 'never ending story' that is way overplayed and it sucks.


Goodnight!
~Oriona

Welcome Back :)

My Dear Reader, 

I want to wish you a good afternoon and apologize for not writing for a while. I have been trying to think of a good subject for my next post and to be honest, I just have too many things to write about and I am having trouble pinning one thing down! First I guess lets talk about summer! It's finally here, shining bright and beautiful! The warm weather always makes me think of travel, I just want to get in a car and drive. The warm weather also makes me feel reconnected with the Earth and my spirituality. Watching as the trees go from barren to leaves almost overnight is always so magical.

One of my other posts was going to be about Earth Day. I think I am still going to write it because the environment is a really big important thing that we, as a society, should really focus more on. I know a lot of us are 'aware' of what is happening with the environment, but not nearly enough of us - myself included - are active enough with doing something about it.  I think every day should be Earth Day and I am going to stop myself there before I start ranting, and will talk more about that in my Earth Day post.

Mother's Day is another post I have been working on, as I have said in previous entries, my mother is the top dog of my important people list. I mean, she gave me life so...that's kind of a big deal. I mean really her and my dad are hand in hand for that position, but for different reasons. So much of me came from what I learned from them, I have been told by a few people that I look exactly like both of my parents and on the inside I definitely feel both of my parents' influence on me as a person. But for my Mother's Day post I really wanted to celebrate and honour my mom because aside from the regular 'she's my mom and I love her' stuff, she is actually a really amazing person who has done a lot in her life that I feel needs to me given more credit. 

I also have another post that I am trying to solidify the idea, it has to do with the people I see every day. I want to talk about people, some days it feels like I hate everyone because of stress and crowds (especially when I am in a hurry) but when I take a second to calm down and let the world flow, I look around and see people as individuals, not just a faceless crowd of people. When I let myself see individual people, I feel love for them, I try to imagine the kind of people they are, where they are going, what their families are like. It strikes me that probably a good chunk of people on the train with me watch the same TV shows that I do, or listen to the same music, have read the same books. We aren't so different from each other, and everyone has a story.

Let me know if you have any other ideas for me to talk about, and let me know if you have a preference to a post you would like to see out first :)

AMR

~ Oriona

Self Care and Body Image

Something I think that a lot of people tend to forget about is Self Care. You know how when you're on an airline and they say - if in an emergency, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else, or there's that other saying - physician, heal thyself. That's because you can't do anything for anyone else if you are suffering yourself. It's so very important to take care of yourself. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eat when you're hungry, relax when you are stressed out, etc.

When I was in school, I was involved in a lot of activities and I had a lot of friends so those things on top of my school work could be really overwhelming. As time went on I felt myself struggling to keep up with everything and I was becoming more and more stressed out - as I know a lot of students do. What I did to deal with all of that was I made a schedule for myself. I made it so I only worked on my school work at school, that way I knew when I got home I could just relax. The most important thing I ensured was that every night I was getting enough sleep. I didn't pull any 'all nighters' I would just wake up early in the morning and work on whatever it was. This method really did a lot to reduce my stress and gave me time to wind down but also helped me keep alert and my mind well rested when I needed to think.

 Another thing I did, or rather didn't do, was cram-study for tests or exams. I found that when I did, my mind was so focused on the things I tried to remember that I all but completely forgot everything else, I just drew a blank. So when I was in class, I took small notes, but mostly just paid attention to the discussion. It worked really well for me in the end and I ended up with a GPA of 3.8. :) Mom was really proud. Now I'm not trying to tell people not to study, if it works for you, that's great :) this is just what worked for me.

Anyway, I just really think that self care is super important, life just gets really overwhelming sometimes and when we try to take on everything at once, we tend to crash. That's why another one of my rules for myself is to take everything one step at a time. I am religious about making lists to help keep my thoughts organized, it helps me prioritize and remember everything I need to do. I also like to break things down for myself and give myself baby-step goals to help me accomplish something. But as far as self care, I like listening to relaxing music, especially classical acoustic guitar or Dan Gibson's Solitudes. I also like to give myself relaxing 'Goddess time' where I take a long, hot, candle-lit bath, then relax, listen to music, brush my hair, moisturize, etc. I call it Goddess time because that's how I treat myself and that's how I feel. It is wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Stress is highly destructive to a person spiritually, mentally, and even physically. That's why I always tell my friends and the people around me (especially myself) that you need to listen to your body, it knows what's up and can help you to figure out what it is so you can deal with it.

The second thing I want to talk about is body image, I work at a women's fashion store called Voluptuous that caters to plus-size women and I see so many people who just have a terrible view of themselves. All I see every day is beautiful ladies, but all they can see about themselves is big arms, or back fat, large backsides, broad shoulders, etc. Somehow these gorgeous ladies perceive themselves as ugly because they don't fit into a certain idealized image - which is ridiculous.

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way. If we all looked the same it would be a boring world. Also, the models who these women are trying to look like  - the models themselves don't even look like they do in their pictures. I think everyone needs to develop a healthy love and respect for themselves - not saying to be self-centered or conceited, but to love everything you are and accept the things that you aren't. Find things about yourself that you love. - for me it's my hair and eyes ;)

Being native, I use to be really ashamed of my white skin. I told my mom when I was probably about 13 or 14 that I wanted to dye my hair and go tanning so that people would believe me when I told them I was native. She told my dad and he took me aside and said "Mija, don't ever try to change who you are, the Creator made you this way for a reason. And don't let anyone else try to tell you who you are or where you come from. If you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." - It was from then on that I tried to always embrace myself and who I am, what I am, and the kind of person I am. I try to be the best I can and yes, I am white in my colouring, but my heart and my spirit will always be Native and I know that no one can ever take that from me.

As I got older, I started gaining weight too and my curves became more and more pronounced. Like anyone, I started seeing myself as fat and ugly, telling myself that I needed to lose weight. The past couple years I have learned a few things about that too. First, no one really notices your flaws until you point them out yourself. Next, when you see yourself as beautiful and you act the way you feel, that is how others will see you as well. Also, I have learned that people are always so focused on themselves and their own "flaws" that they really aren't going to even notice let alone care about any that you might perceive to have. Finally, I have learned not to compare myself to anyone else because that just breeds envy and not only that but comparing yourself to someone else is just foolish because you will never be them and they will never be you.

In the past while, I have started to see myself as beautiful and radiant, I just love me! - I don't think I am better or worse than anyone else but I am the very best ME there is. So there. I think that is enough for now, some food for thought (hopefully).

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Starchild Diaries, see you next time!

~ Oriona



Photo 1 Credit - http://www.mytripolog.com/2012/07/top-best-resorts-and-hotels-in-maldives/

Photo 2 Credit - http://www.iacg.co.in/viewportfolio.php

Spring Cleaning/I Think I Might Want to be a Comedian - The Starchild Diaries

Good Morning!

I know it's afternoon, but I always find that good morning is the most cheerful greeting of the day. :) Today I have decided to cast open my curtains, let in the sunshine, and do a bit of spring cleaning. I am currently listening to one of my nostalgic childhood albums my mom use to play during our Saturday morning cleanup - The Carpenters Gold: Greatest Hits album. Obviously since I'm cleaning, I can't just sit here and write all day so I'll be back periodically...though I will just be posting the whole thing at the end of the day so for you it will all be at once...oh well, see you in a bit!

12:53 - just finished sorting the laundry. Not so easy to do when your darling little furry friends keep jumping in the basket and knocking it over to play. T_T Next up, throwing the laundry in and then we sweep and mop! before I do that though, I think I shall have a little break for lunch, I'm thinking grilled zucchini and cheese sandwich :p

5:13 - Okay so I didn't mop, and my break was a little longer than expected (the sandwich was delish btw) but I am happy to say that our apartment is now very near spotless! I am losing my gusto however, cleaning can take it out of you, but I think my issue was more the whole hour or so that it turned into a dance party for one - which was super fun for me and probably traumatizing for our kitties. Haha :p And the saga continues...

6:27 - Alright, I'm done cleaning for the day. I have been distracted to the point where I am seriously considering getting into stand-up comedy. Now I did take a aptitude test one time in 9th grade and ONE of my options was stand up comedian. Today, after I was finished listening to the Carpenters and then a bit of the Beatles, I started to think about what I might say if I were indeed a stand up comedian.

Have you ever been alone, and you just start talking out loud to yourself? But you're not talking to yourself, you're talking to people that you know or imagine and it's kind of like you are rehearsing conversations that you know are probably not EVER going to happen. Like I can't tell you how many times I have been on the Ellen show...in my mind. I am always there for some random reason, like she saw one of my Youtube videos of me being actually really boring but talking about things I find important for about 15 minutes.

Today, I was imaging being on stage doing a stand-up routine and I was talking to my 'audience' about cleaning...just saying right now, I was terrible. Even my make believe audience - which was my bed filled with clean, folded laundry - was booing me off stage. However, I really think I could be a comedian because every time I am around people and we are talking, they laugh a lot! Either because of me or something I said. I have never really pictured myself as a funny person but I don't know, maybe I am.

What I like most about the idea is that I love to make people laugh, my parents both have(had) great senses of humour. I remember them telling me and my siblings so many stories and jokes that had us all in stitches! When my family would get together in Ajo, AZ for Christmas, we would all stay up late into the night just sitting around my Nana and Tata's table listening to our parents tell stories and jokes. My Aunt Rachel, I remember, was especially funny to me because she would be in the middle of telling a joke - in Spanish, which most of us didn't understand - and she would be laughing so hard, she would have tears streaming down her face and she would just be snorting and cackling - that good kind of - can't breathe - belly laugh, half way through the joke! So, we couldn't understand what she was saying anyway but she couldn't even make it through the telling of the joke because she was already laughing too hard and we would all be laughing just as hard, just because of her!

There is one story that my Dad use to tell and it was one of my favourites and I would like to share it with you now. Now I said in my first entry that my family use to travel around a lot. My Dad use to travel by himself sometimes because us kids had to go to school and Mom would stay with us etc. etc. And he use to go and do shows and Pow Wows to sell his books and the Native crafts we would make at home like Dream Catchers, Medicine Wheels, and other stuff. Anyway, one time he was at this Pow Wow and I guess he was friends with the guy who owned the property it was being held on. So anyway, he had to use the washroom so he asked someone where it was and they told him. But they warned my dad that the owner had a pet goose that hung around that area who was very ornery and VERY territorial so he should be cautious.

When my dad was walking up to the washroom building, out comes this big old goose charging towards him honking and flapping his wings. My poor dad panicked and his first instinct was to just reach out and thwack the big bird on his head. And the goose sorta um...sagged down and staggered away and Dad kind of panicked and felt bad, thinking he might have seriously hurt the thing. But he went into the washroom and when he came back out the goose was nowhere to be seen.

Later on, my dad and his friend(the owner) were walking together and chatting when they came to the area around the washrooms. Again, the goose comes charging out honking and flapping his wings - until he catches sight of my Dad. The goose stopped in his tracks, looked at them for a second and then turned his tail and ran! The guy was surprised and said, "well that was strange, he's never done that before!" And my Dad is all, "Yeah, weird..."  - and I always crack up at that story. Even now as I am writing it up to share with you, my dear reader (I've always wanted to say that), I am chuckling thinking of this big old goose stopping dead in his tracks with a shocked look on his face.

What I also love is how my parents use to make each other laugh. They both had infectious laughs that could make anyone join in even if you didn't know what you were laughing at. Anyway, I guess that is all for tonight(because it is now 9:40pm) I am going to wrap up this post because it is already much too long. But I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for sharing my day with me and I hope you have a wonderful evening :)

Salutations!

~ Oriona

Introduction - The Starchild Diaries

This is an old picture from my trip to NYC ;)

So, being a writer, I have decided to start a blog. I am constantly filling notebook after notebook with pages of ideas, stories, and realized life-lessons. Now I guess I just want to share them with whomever might benefit from them. Now, you'll have to bear with me as I imagine that this blog will probably jump around subjects like I do in real life. I have a variety of interests, activities, and passions so I never stay on one thing for very long - but I do always come back.

So a bit more about me as a person, I am a girl...woman? Young woman, at the age of 22 when I am starting this blog. I grew up traveling around North America with my family. I was born in Ontario, Canada, but for a large portion of my childhood, we lived in Erie, PA. I was raised in Native American spiritual traditions, and we attended various ceremonies on a regular basis. I am over 25% Native, though you wouldn't know it by looking at me. 

When my father passed away in 2007, my mother decided to bring herself, my little brother, and I back up to Canada. (this is a very short version of all that actually happened, I may write up a more detailed description later) At the time, it seemed like our lives were over, but here I am seven years later, and I feel so very blessed. I now reside in the amazing city of Toronto with my boyfriend and I am very happy.

I am going to school to study Social Service Work, which will be my first career. Like I said before, I have a lot of interests and passions including but not exclusive to dancing, singing, cooking, writing, splash painting, outdoor activities, writing(obvi.), etc. With all these different things, I always thought, "how can I use this to help people?" So when I realized that above all, my passion is helping people, social work seemed to be the best way that I could do that. Now on top of that, like I have said before, I would like to be an accomplished writer, hopefully get some(all) of my things published. At some point I would also like to own my own cafe and overall work from home or own my own business. 

Now don't worry, I know that I am thinking WAY into the future, and it is going to take a lot of work and determination to achieve even half of what I want to accomplish. However, I am a strong believer in that if someone really wants something and he or she is willing to work for it, they can achieve it. Like right now, I am going to wrap up this short introductory blog entry and get to working on one of my books. Before I go though, I want to just share a few of my life lessons that I have learned and try to apply to my life every day. They aren't in any specific order and don't worry if the list seems short - these are all I can think of off the top of my head.

- Never be conceited, but always have a healthy love and respect for yourself. No matter what size, shape, colour, age, or whatever you are, love yourself. You are not better or worse than anyone else, but you are the very best YOU there is.

- Always be kind, even when others are not kind to you. Just because the world might seem like it is trying to bring you down, don't let the negative actions of others cause you to bring yourself down to that level.

- Never settle for anything less than what will make you happy. This is valid for all aspects of your life, if you are in a situation that is bringing you down and you are feeling negative all the time, it''s time for a change. This applies to people, work, your home, your body, whatever. Do what it takes to make yourself happy.

- You are never stuck. There is always a way out of a situation and there is always a way to accomplish your goals, you just have to find it.

-Don't be afraid to admit your faults, in fact, embrace your faults because they are a part of who you are. When you accept your faults, you control them and no one can use them against you. Furthermore, once you know your faults, you can go about changing or fixing them if you want to.

- Be healthy, laugh, sleep, be active, eat. Above all, bask in the joy of simple pleasures.

That's all for now, I will try to be semi-regular with my posts, my goal is at least 1 entry a month but I'm hoping for more. Anyway, have a good night, or day - depending on when you read this. I hope you enjoyed this first entry of The Starchild Diaries. :)

~ Oriona

 Photo credit - James M.