I am Not an Object

Article - Stop Telling Women to Be Afraid by Bianca Hall

I am so sick of the unwanted attention I receive almost every time I leave my apartment. Scott and I run on different schedules so it's impossible for him to be with me all the time. But he shouldn't have to be and I shouldn't feel the need to always have another person there to feel safe. It's sad that every time I am going somewhere, even if it's just the 2-3 blocks up to the grocery store, I have developed the habit of calling my mom or a friend or just anyone so I don't feel so alone when I am walking by myself. Most days I even try to dress down because I am afraid if I look too nice it will make it worse.

When I am walking alone, men will pull up in cars and call out to me, try to call me over. They tell me they 'like how I look' or that 'I have a nice shape.' They look me up and down like I am a piece of meat and it turns my stomach. I mean, it's one thing if a guy wants to ask me out and he does it by striking up a conversation then asks me out. I would obviously decline because I am already spoken for, but that's the polite way to show a girl interest. Not rolling by and slowly following her in your (serial killer) van repeating over and over 'I love that ass, I love that ass.' - that is actually what just happened to me as I was coming home from work today.

For some reason, the bus I was riding on my way home was going out of service the stop before mine so everyone had to get off. The weather isn't too bad so I just decided to walk the one block to our apartment building. Like usual when I have to walk by myself, I was talking to my mom on the phone and I walk by this little strip mall and a white van is just leaving. I hear the guy driving saying something but I don't really pay attention. Then he gets louder and I hear "OH WOW! I love that ass." And then he just keeps calling that out to me over and over. I tried to tell him to stop, but he didn't listen and just kept following me in his van slowly, watching me walk and continuing to call out to me. Even though I was on the phone with my mom I felt so vulnerable because there was nothing I could do to make him stop. I felt so violated. I was just walking down the street, and it wasn't even like he was interested in me, he just saw me as some live entertainment. A white girl with a ghetto booty - as people have referred to my backside curve before.

Normally I just try to ignore this kind of thing, but it happens so often I just got frustrated. Today was the last straw and when I got home, try as I might, I couldn't hold back the tears and I bawled for a good long while. I hate feeling vulnerable and I resent being treated like less of a person because of women being over-sexualized in the media.

I think women should be free to be who they are, express themselves, dress how they want, and just be without the fear that somehow we are going to attract attention that we don't want. What drives me crazy is that some people would blame me, as if I have any control over what other people think or how they act. Women are blamed a lot for these kinds of things and worse because people ask things like 'what was she wearing?' - In my case, long black pants a coat and scarf (racy, I know *sarcasm*). The bottom line, it isn't the fault of the person being assaulted - ever. No one asks to be hurt or harassed like that, no one wants that kind of attention forced on them. I certainly didn't feel like crying after work today - I just wanted some lunch. I don't want to feel afraid to walk by myself every time I leave my apartment, but experience of living in this area has taught me to be.

One guy got mad at me because apparently he said hi to me a lot and I didn't remember him and I was also trying to get away from him because I didn't want to talk to him and he said I was being rude, like I am obligated to be nice and talk to a guy giving me really unwanted attention. Other than having the body type I was born with and you know, going out into society like a normal person, I don't do anything to consciously attract this attention. Most of the time it feels like a surprise attack.

I don't know what to do or how to deal with this when it happens because its like a hit-and-run kind of thing. Maybe ignoring it is my best bet until society matures a bit more and the general heterosexual male populous learns that treating women like objects is flat out not okay. That is the kind of mentality that leads to rape.

What makes me really sick is that the media influences people to do all kinds of things. They influence people to look, act, and dress a certain way. It feels like a vicious circle because girls are taught to be a certain way and guys are taught that girls who dress that way are 'easy pickings' but girls are just trying to be fashionable. Personally, I don't follow trends and I dress for myself. Either way, I can't win.

I just needed to vent and get this out there somehow because what else can I really do? Thanks for reading.


P.S. I love this song and will probably listen to it on repeat today.

Try - Colbie Caillat

Oh...and probably this one too:

U + Ur Hand - P!NK

A Walk in Two Worlds

It is really strange being a child of two worlds. There's the "white" part of me that looks something like this:

That part of me loves books and writing and art, Disney movies (obviously), and other 'western world' things, sometimes she wants to get dressed up and go dancing and be elegant and maybe even one day rich and successful.

 But then there's the First Nation side of me who doesn't really care about material things and just wants to downsize all my belongings down to a van and go on a spiritual adventure. That's the part of me that wants to live at one with nature and I basically try to apply my spirituality and culture in my every day life, but when someone asks me what my background is, and I tell them I am Native American, and they say 'no you're not' - I can't even express how much it frustrates me.

Maybe it's stupid - as a lot of people tell me, that I shouldn't care what other people say - which I try, but this is a deep rooted issue. When I was younger, I didn't even know I looked white until other people pointed it out to me. When we went to South Dakota the kids there would say: 'why are you here? you're white.' And when I would try to talk to the kids at school about my culture they would tease me and say 'what, can you talk to birds Pocahontas?' Now I am older and every time I see an elder or another First Nations person I want to talk to them in the way that feels natural, like saying 'Hello Grandfather, here would you like to sit down?" I shy away because I am afraid they will see a "wannabe white girl." One time I was at the Peterborough Canoe Museum and when we were sharing food that an elder had prepared and brought in for us, I got up to help because that was the respectful thing to do. My classmates were just sitting there waiting to be served and then they started whispering 'what is she doing?' and 'why is she dressed like that' (I was wearing a long skirt - omg so weird right?) and then when I was talking to one of  the museum people about my background he got mad and called me "one of those hippie-dippie types" - which might be part of the reason I am shy now. The only time I felt like I belonged and that people accepted me at face value is when my dad was alive. Being introduced as "Manny Twofeathers' daughter" left very little room for doubt about my heritage. Now I'm going through this identity crisis where I don't know which side is the real me.

When I look like this:

 But feel like this:

I just don't know, it's like I know who I am but I feel like a poser even though I know it's not true. Then the logical `wise` side to me remembers what my dad told me when I wanted to go tanning and colour my hair black, he said; "Mija, don`t ever let anyone try to tell you who you are. When you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." And Sacred Star Woman would tell Oriona that both sides are equally part of who I am. As long as I walk in my truth then that is all that matters. Creator made me the way I am supposed to be for one reason or another. Even walking through these city streets, when I feel the wind blow through my hair and hear the Thunder Beings rolling in, I feel the Creator and I know who I am - even though I struggle sometimes. I hope that one day I will fully be able to realize and accept all aspects of myself. The pressure is on now that I am trying to follow in my father's footsteps. But he wore big moccasins so maybe I will need to take a path that runs beside the one he followed.

AMR
~Oriona Star Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos above, they belong to Disney.

Self Care and Body Image

Something I think that a lot of people tend to forget about is Self Care. You know how when you're on an airline and they say - if in an emergency, make sure you put on your own oxygen mask before you help someone else, or there's that other saying - physician, heal thyself. That's because you can't do anything for anyone else if you are suffering yourself. It's so very important to take care of yourself. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eat when you're hungry, relax when you are stressed out, etc.

When I was in school, I was involved in a lot of activities and I had a lot of friends so those things on top of my school work could be really overwhelming. As time went on I felt myself struggling to keep up with everything and I was becoming more and more stressed out - as I know a lot of students do. What I did to deal with all of that was I made a schedule for myself. I made it so I only worked on my school work at school, that way I knew when I got home I could just relax. The most important thing I ensured was that every night I was getting enough sleep. I didn't pull any 'all nighters' I would just wake up early in the morning and work on whatever it was. This method really did a lot to reduce my stress and gave me time to wind down but also helped me keep alert and my mind well rested when I needed to think.

 Another thing I did, or rather didn't do, was cram-study for tests or exams. I found that when I did, my mind was so focused on the things I tried to remember that I all but completely forgot everything else, I just drew a blank. So when I was in class, I took small notes, but mostly just paid attention to the discussion. It worked really well for me in the end and I ended up with a GPA of 3.8. :) Mom was really proud. Now I'm not trying to tell people not to study, if it works for you, that's great :) this is just what worked for me.

Anyway, I just really think that self care is super important, life just gets really overwhelming sometimes and when we try to take on everything at once, we tend to crash. That's why another one of my rules for myself is to take everything one step at a time. I am religious about making lists to help keep my thoughts organized, it helps me prioritize and remember everything I need to do. I also like to break things down for myself and give myself baby-step goals to help me accomplish something. But as far as self care, I like listening to relaxing music, especially classical acoustic guitar or Dan Gibson's Solitudes. I also like to give myself relaxing 'Goddess time' where I take a long, hot, candle-lit bath, then relax, listen to music, brush my hair, moisturize, etc. I call it Goddess time because that's how I treat myself and that's how I feel. It is wonderful and I highly recommend it to everyone.

Stress is highly destructive to a person spiritually, mentally, and even physically. That's why I always tell my friends and the people around me (especially myself) that you need to listen to your body, it knows what's up and can help you to figure out what it is so you can deal with it.

The second thing I want to talk about is body image, I work at a women's fashion store called Voluptuous that caters to plus-size women and I see so many people who just have a terrible view of themselves. All I see every day is beautiful ladies, but all they can see about themselves is big arms, or back fat, large backsides, broad shoulders, etc. Somehow these gorgeous ladies perceive themselves as ugly because they don't fit into a certain idealized image - which is ridiculous.

Everyone and I mean EVERYONE is beautiful in their own way. If we all looked the same it would be a boring world. Also, the models who these women are trying to look like  - the models themselves don't even look like they do in their pictures. I think everyone needs to develop a healthy love and respect for themselves - not saying to be self-centered or conceited, but to love everything you are and accept the things that you aren't. Find things about yourself that you love. - for me it's my hair and eyes ;)

Being native, I use to be really ashamed of my white skin. I told my mom when I was probably about 13 or 14 that I wanted to dye my hair and go tanning so that people would believe me when I told them I was native. She told my dad and he took me aside and said "Mija, don't ever try to change who you are, the Creator made you this way for a reason. And don't let anyone else try to tell you who you are or where you come from. If you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." - It was from then on that I tried to always embrace myself and who I am, what I am, and the kind of person I am. I try to be the best I can and yes, I am white in my colouring, but my heart and my spirit will always be Native and I know that no one can ever take that from me.

As I got older, I started gaining weight too and my curves became more and more pronounced. Like anyone, I started seeing myself as fat and ugly, telling myself that I needed to lose weight. The past couple years I have learned a few things about that too. First, no one really notices your flaws until you point them out yourself. Next, when you see yourself as beautiful and you act the way you feel, that is how others will see you as well. Also, I have learned that people are always so focused on themselves and their own "flaws" that they really aren't going to even notice let alone care about any that you might perceive to have. Finally, I have learned not to compare myself to anyone else because that just breeds envy and not only that but comparing yourself to someone else is just foolish because you will never be them and they will never be you.

In the past while, I have started to see myself as beautiful and radiant, I just love me! - I don't think I am better or worse than anyone else but I am the very best ME there is. So there. I think that is enough for now, some food for thought (hopefully).

I hope you enjoyed this episode of The Starchild Diaries, see you next time!

~ Oriona



Photo 1 Credit - http://www.mytripolog.com/2012/07/top-best-resorts-and-hotels-in-maldives/

Photo 2 Credit - http://www.iacg.co.in/viewportfolio.php