My Life Rebuilding - Part 1

Soundtrack: Only Love Can Hurt Like This - Paloma Faith

There was a time not that long ago where I would have been terrified to stand by myself in this world. No matter how much I asserted otherwise, I really did put the responsibility of my happiness on another person. Now for the past few months I have gone through several phases of grieving the person I thought I was and who I thought I wanted to become.


Back in November, I ended things with my long term boyfriend. It took me a really long time to make this difficult decision and it wasn't made lightly. I wanted everything with him, the wedding, the house, the family... but I felt so abandoned in the relationship. I don't think it was anyone's fault, and it's not like there was a lack of love between us; it's just that we are so different. We had different needs from a relationship and I felt very depressed when my needs weren't being met. I knew that what I needed he couldn't give without putting a lot of strain on himself and having to change the way he lived and I loved him too much to ever ask that of him anyway.


I feel a lot of the happiness I had in the relationship came from dreaming about how I wanted things to be in the future. I would dream about our wedding and dream house; our future children. It was nothing that extravagant, but I always dreamed that when "something" would happen (our own place, getting a car, etc.), all of a sudden we would start actually doing things together as a couple and one day as a family. All the while I was staying blissfully ignorant to the reality which was that even the basic things that should come in a relationship - at least in my mind and for what I need - weren't happening. I communicated my feelings and needs and there was some effort, but after a time things would go back into the same rut as before. I grew more and more depressed. When I left for school, it was one of the final 'clicks' in my brain that I knew it was over. For one reason or another he wasn't there to see me off - and this wasn't anything new. Being that I had told him how I was feeling at the end of my rope, I thought he might put in just a little effort to show he cared enough to try, but maybe he knew the end was near too.


I will admit I have a little bitter disappointment left in my heart, but like I said before I don't blame him and I'm not angry. We were just too different. Him and I still talk and I hope that we can build a friendship in the future. It was a hard day when I went to move the rest of my things from his apartment but he was so kind and helpful with everything. He really is a wonderful person and I am so glad to have him in my life, it just can't be in the way that I had hoped.

~~~

After the breakup, I finally started to come out of my depression (I had been so down I was barely able to get out of bed to go to class even once a week). Though it would be several months before I actually stepped out of the darkness consuming my heart.

I can't remember if I have written about this before, but I want to tell you about my connection to my hair. When my father was on his death bed, my sister Rebecca had cut off her braid in mourning and gave it to him. I was raised with the belief that cutting your hair is a huge gesture because your hair is representative of your spirit and strength and it is only cut when in mourning or if something very tragic happens. When my sister cut her hair, I knew that what was happening with my father was a lot more serious than I had realized. It was then that I wanted to cut my hair as well, but my father made me promise not to and to grow it out long. Since that day I had grown my hair out, only getting split ends trimmed once in a while. Seeing someone cut their long hair or shaving their head has always been very jarring and emotional for me because in my eyes they look sad, defeated, and in mourning.

The day after the break, I went to First Choice and had them cut my hair, which was all the way to my lower back, to right at my shoulders. I also asked them to gather it for me so I could take care of it properly. I didn't cry though, I felt very hollow. To me I was grieving the loss of everything we were, everything I wanted, and the person I thought I was for a long time.

Habits - Tove Lo

For the next couple of months I was in a very dark, self destructive phase. It was less extreme than I am making it sound because I'm not a huge risk taker, but I was definitely in a very dark place and under a lot of stress trying to catch up with assignments I had fallen behind on.

As time went on, the pain became less but I wasn't the most pleasant person to be around - if you could even get me to hang out. I made a lot of my friends angry at my unavailability, my self destructive behaviour, my moodiness, my flakeyness, and my general depressing mood. Finally one of my friends told me I was really crappy to be around and that I needed to snap out of it. That made me angry and a little resentful but being the brat I am, I put on a happy face and pretended I was fine until I almost started to believe it myself. I decided to shut everyone out, I don't really like to burden people with my problems or feelings anyway. (as I write all this out on my blog lol) I made other people my priority and just suffered through my own issues in silence and behind closed doors. I feel very, very alone. The problem with being a person who smiles all the time is when I finally need to cry, (even though they try) no one knows how to handle it.

~~~

So I passed my first semester with decent grades and got everything done I needed to in order to start my placement in January. I spent my birthday and winter break quietly and with a lot of alone time. I only really went out for Christmas at my Grandmother's. My little brother surprised me with a little digital camera which I was really excited about because I had been wanting to get back into photography and I had mentioned that to him months and months before and I couldn't believe he had remembered. It was really sweet. I actually got pretty spoiled with presents, especially from my room mates who bought be all this Doctor Who stuff (I am a pretty big fan - shh!). I was happy to have the house to myself for a couple of days though. I found it was a good time for me to rest and reflect.

In January I started my final semester placement at an Aboriginal Friendship Centre and figured out very quickly that it was definitely what I have always wanted to do and I found myself a lot more working there. With every task I completed, I felt my confidence grow and it felt good to have people look at me like I was responsible and capable. It felt like a fresh start and I could feel myself come back very quickly. My new coworkers were very funny and supportive and easy to talk to - we became very fast friends. I couldn't have been happier.

As the semester started coming to an end however, it seemed like everything happened all at once.


To be continued...

Downtown Adventure

Click to hear Chopin's Nocturne Op. No. 2

So today, me and my room mate Mel went on a bit of an adventure. After being wonderfully lazy for the past couple of days, I wanted to get out of the house for a bit and explore. As I was talking about with Mel, it is important to get out in the world and actually experience life. Living vicariously through the lives of our favourite TV show characters is not a good way to go through life. You don't make any of your own memories that way. I don't want to wake up as an old woman one day and only be able recall funny episodes of Friends or quote something I found on Pinterest.

As I have discussed on here before I think, people have gotten to the point where where they almost prefer to experience life through the lens of a camera. The majority of communication is done through Facebook, Snapchat, texting, and other social media and when that happens, I believe that people miss out on the experiences happening right in front of them.

After taking the bus downtown, Mel and I went to a nice local coffee shop called Hasselton's, which was recommended to me by another friend of mine a while ago. It was so wonderful and the coffee was delicious. The flavour of the day was Maple Cream and I thoroughly enjoyed it while Mel tasted the exquisite flavour of steamed hot chocolate. We sat at a table that had low, very cushioned seats that were a lovely shade of dark blue. It was quiet and cozy and Mel and I had the opportunity to just sit and talk with one another.

After that, we went to a vintage/antique shop where we met a nice gentleman named Dimitri. We had a nice chat and I expressed my enthusiasm about the shop because he had set up a little theatre area complete with theatre seats and a projector screen. He said the plan was to eventually have movie nights there. I thought the place was amazing and just like something out of Gilmore Girls (there I go quoting a show haha!) but I could see this place hosting vintage cocktail parties (they have a fully licensed bar) and other events. Dimitri seemed really interested in my ideas and I hope he takes some of them and runs because I think having a place like that in Peterborough will only add to it's charm.

Speaking of charm, I want to tell you about the biggest highlight of my day. I wanted to visit a book shop. You know the kind that is stacked from floor to ceiling with previously owned, well loved books. It's the kind of place that you can just lose yourself curling up in a little nook to read for hours. That is exactly what Mel and I found, it is a little store, not even listed on google, that has dusty, narrow aisles filled from top to bottom with books of every kind you can think of. It kind of reminded me of some long forgotten library and I fell in love as soon as I stepped foot in the door.

I almost missed the door actually, because it was a little hidden. I am so glad that Mel saw it though and when we stepped through the threshold it was like I was transported to a different world. It was a much more romantic kind of world filled with adventure, wonder, and enchantment. Walking in there I felt like I had stumbled into the Beast's library and would soon discover one of the lost scrolls from the Library of Alexandria. I was truly blown away. Mel and I explored down the aisles and eventually Mel drew my attention to this large book of poetry. It almost looked like a bible all leather bound with embossed lettering on the cover. I read a few lines from the book and although I cannot right now recall what it was about, just reading poetry again for the first time in what seems like years, my very soul began to sing.

I picked up book after book reading short poems and lines from sonnets out loud to Mel. Each syllable seemed to raise me higher and higher and it wasn't long before I felt like I was floating a few inches off the ground from pure joy. In this day and age of technology and quick, superficial communication there seems to be a lack of soul in the words we choose to write down. Reading the way the poets of the past describe even some of the most simple of things just really pulled at my heart and made me yearn to further appreciate the world around me.

It came time for Mel and I to head back to the bus terminal and just as we were turning to leave, my eyes were drawn to a tiny book, almost invisible as it was snug up against a much larger book and didn't have a very eye-catching cover. It was The Poetical Works of John Keats, who is one of my favourite poets. I hungrily flipped to the table of contents to look for my favourite poem of his. It was there on the very last page, that which I now know is is last sonnet, it is called Bright Star and it reads as follows:

Bright star! would I were steadfast as thou art-
Not in lone splendour hung aloft the night,
And watching, with eternal lids apart,
Like Nature's patient, sleepless Eremite,
The moving waters at their priestlike task
Of pure ablution round earth's human shores,
Or gazing on the new soft fallen mask
Of snow upon the mountains and the moors-
No-yet still steadfast, still unchangeable,
Pillow'd upon my fair love's ripening breast,
To feel for ever its soft fall and swell,
Awake for ever in a sweet unrest,
Still, still to hear her tender-taken breath,
And so live ever-or else swoon to death.

I wanted the book so badly, however when I asked the bookshop owner if they had debit, he said no, but that I could take the book now and just come back and pay for it later. I was completely blown away, and in awe of this elderly gentleman. His name is William but he also said that people call him grandpa sometimes. He runs the bookshop with his grand daughter and he is everything you would expect and wish a romantic, enchanted bookshop keeper to be. I found him very similar to the bookshop owner from Beauty and the Beast actually. He wasn't very tall, but he carried himself with a quiet, kind, and gentle dignity. It seems to me that life has taught him to extend kindness to others and they will reciprocate it back to you. This is such a startling contrast from the attitudes of most people these days who always seem to think the worst of others and live in a constant state of a 'me first' kind of mind set.

There is very little trust any more, people don't seem to have much faith in each other any more. This elderly gentleman trusted me on the spot without even knowing my name or what kind of person I was he trusts me to come back later. He has not lost faith in humanity and I think he still looks for the good in other people and I find that so inspiring because it is very easy to lose that some times. Maybe he just wants to make sure that the books will be enjoyed and finds that more important than keeping one book on the shelf, but whatever his reasons, I felt quite honoured to have met him today and I look forward to going back to visit again. (and of course, to pay for my book and probably buy some more!)

The store is called Thea's Books and it is located on Water Street near the Scotia Bank if anyone is interested to visit and the vintage shop is called Catalina's Vintage finds which is also located nearby as well as Hasselton's coffee shop.

One last thing of note as Mel and I were walking back to the bus station, we saw a guy with his window open playing his guitar to the street below and I thought, 'wow, what an amazing place this is to have so much culture and charm.' It seems so hidden behind all the main stream chain restaurants and stores, but our little city here really is such a gem and there is beauty to be found around every corner. All you have to do is turn off Netflix, put away your phone and just live in the moment because, "today is the oldest you have ever been and the youngest you will ever be again." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Thank you for reading,


~Oriona

Happy New Year :)

Dear Readers,

I know it has been an extremely long time since my last post and for that I apologize. My life has been through quite a series of changes in the last year and I want to share with you some of my experiences and what I have learned from it all.

Going back to the summertime when I had applied and been accepted to the college I currently attend, I was between working at the CNE again and packing to move away to live and study in Peterborough. I was anxious and excited because I had already done my first year two years before hand and I was (and still am) very anxious and excited to finish school and finally begin my career. My whole life I have wanted to help people and now I am looking at finally having a way to really give back and contribute to my community.

In my personal life however, there was another big change looming that took me a really long time to realize and accept. After 5 years of being in a relationship with Scott, I came to the realization about a year and a half ago that our life together was heading in a direction that I simply couldn't go. I communicated how I felt with him and we tried for a year to make it work but in the end, it was just best for us to go on our separate ways. We both have a lot of growing to do as individuals before either of us is ready to settle down. I am glad to say that there is no animosity between us either, on the contrary I think we will remain in each other's lives as friends.

I am learning that if you are in a relationship or are getting into one, you really need to know who you are and who the person is that you are looking to be with. My inner romantic kind of suffered a big blow when I finally realized that love doesn't always conquer all. I am still working on the part where I come to accept that this is okay. I have the knowledge that it is; that you can love people even if they aren't meant to walk every step of your life with you. I just need to get to the point where I feel it as the truth as well.

At this point in my life I am taking the time to really learn about myself and get to know who I am again. I believe it is vitally important to come to any relationship as a complete person on your own. Although I love the saying 'my other half' I think it is a bad representation of how a healthy relationship should be.

In my mind, two people should come together as strong individuals who are forming an even stronger partnership. They can each stand on their own, but the love they feel brings them together simply for the purpose of being together and working towards similar goals. If someone can't stand on their own and be happy with just themselves, I don't think that is a healthy way to be in a relationship.

My reasoning is this; if you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you? Self love, and self respect are two of the most important things. I think I have written before that having a healthy love and respect for yourself is vital to your mental and emotional health. I don't mean to be vain on conceited. I believe that I am beautiful and a good person - but I don't see myself as better than anyone else, I am just the best me there is.

I also strongly believe that you should always take charge of your own happiness. Putting someone else in charge of your happiness will only lead to disappointment. It just goes back to the old analogy; if you put someone on a pedestal, eventually and inevitably, they will fall.

So that is what I am working on, taking these things I have learned and committing them to my heart until I feel them as truth. I feel like I am in a process of tearing myself down and rebuilding the person I want to be - who I know I am inside.

The obvious emotions that this change brought up did make focusing on my studies difficult to say the least, however I am happy to say that I passed all of my classes and will be moving on to my placement in the upcoming semester! After that, I guess I will find out what the universe has planned for me.

I am looking forward to getting into the field and working as an SSW so I can really start helping people the way that I have always wanted to. Maybe I will finally be able to put my idea factory to good use and come up with some programs or activities for the community.

Thank you for reading, hopefully the next post won't take me so long.


Warmest Regards,


~ Oriona