Layers

When you get to know a lot of people, you start to become 'known' for something. People know you as 'the nice one' or 'the funny one' - they say things like 'oh, he likes expensive things' or 'she is a little spoiled' or 'he is the nicest person you will ever meet.' I guess we all have a dominant trait that we become known for. But in reality, aren't we all so much deeper than that? The nicest person in the world might also actually be the most selfish, and the spoiled brat who likes expensive things might just turn out to be the most generous and giving person when push comes to shove. So although this dominant trait helps people to know a part of us, there is no real telling of who a person really is when you only get to see one side of them. 

I learned this the hard way with many people. People I knew for years, people I grew up with and thought I knew...they just seemed to change over night. I think that is the only consistent thing in life is that there will always be change. Whether through people or life circumstances or both, change is always there. On the other hand, when we meet people for the first time or even just see them in passing we make judgments about them when we are only seeing a moment of their lives.

A lot of the time I feel like people don't know me very well at all, although they think they do. For as long as I can remember I have been known as the 'sweet naive' girl, which isn't a bad title. But when I got looks of tolerant affection or even unbelieving annoyance when serious conversations came up, I got frustrated. It seemed that because I lived my life with a smile on my face and a positive outlook, people assumed I had never had to deal with any difficulty or heart ache. I had a friend flat out tell me one time that she didn't want to talk to me about something because she felt like I wouldn't understand what she was going though. I think it is true that one person can't truly understand what someone else is feeling because everyone deals with their emotions differently. But we all have similar experiences and in this way we can use those experiences to get relate to each other.

A circumstance happened in the late fall, I was on the bus making my way home from work. It was crowded and people in cramped spaces can become easily irritated. I was standing and holding onto the support bar when I noticed a man sitting down a couple spaces from me. He had on a worn coat and a winter cap. He looked like he had sunken into himself somehow, like if he weren't sitting on the bus seat he would be a puddle on the floor. Most of all, to me he looked defeated and it pulled on my heart. I see a lot of people like this and it hurts me to see others in such pain and not having a way to help. Anyway, shortly after I noticed him, I noticed the tall can of beer he had in a paper sack tucked into his coat. It was open and as I watched, he very discreetly took a sip. Now I know that drinking in public is wrong and illegal, but I all I could think was; what happened to this man that caused him so much pain he couldn't wait to get home (wherever that might be) to open his beer? Another lady noticed and she began harassing him about the beer. Now I could understand her reaction more if he had been drunk or causing a disturbance but he was trying to be discreet and she just drew attention to him where everyone else probably wouldn't have noticed or wouldn't care. I felt bad for him, he didn't look up to arguing. After a few minutes of her badgering him, he just blurts out, 'my wife died last week, we had been married for 37 years.' His voice cracked just saying the words, but the woman didn't care. She kept heckling him because I think all she could see was another homeless drunk. When the bus came to my stop I leaned over and said, "I am so sorry for your loss." The woman looked indignant at me for saying that, and tried to tell me not to feel sorry for him; I didn't care. The minute we stop showing each other compassion and understanding, that will be when we have lost our humanity entirely.



Living in the city, I see a lot of people going about their lives and I try to see them for who they are as an individual; a mother, an artist, a father trying to support his family, or a student worrying about debts, just like me. The thing about people is we get so wrapped up in ourselves that we start to see other people as obstacles; a faceless crowd that we have to maneuver through. We forget that other people are actually people too. When you start to look at each individual person, you really start to realize that everyone has a story and a life they are living. One of my favourite Doctor Who quotes helps me a lot when I am feeling overwhelmed and bitter towards the crowds of Toronto and it goes like this: "900 years of time and space, I have never met anyone who wasn't important." - 11th Doctor


I think the old saying, 'you can't judge a book by its cover' really holds true, especially for people. Don't ever assume you really know a person because there is always so much more than you will ever see.

~Oriona



Picture and quote credits:

http://www.citynews.ca/2008/02/19/extra-ttc-buses-on-the-roads-to-cope-with-rush-hour/

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/797906-900-years-of-time-and-space-and-i-ve-never-met

http://htekidsnews.com/world-population/

Unrequited

This is a poem I wrote a long time ago. It almost makes me laugh to read it now, but I know it came from a very dark place and to me, this is probably still the best poem I feel I have written...I haven't written any in a long time though which is good because I only write poetry when I am depressed so... anyway, here it is, I hope you like it.

                                 Unrequited

You lie to me                                                           that's alright.

Your
      Broken
          Promises                                                       are like velvet in my ear

Your
      Sinful
          Touch                                                           like fire on my skin.



Your words, I want you...

An invitation I cannot refuse.

So have me,
I am yours

Yours to take,
Yours to use

Use me.

I know the hurt will come, it always does.


But this I can endure because, 

You love me too...                                                              right?




Rest assured this poem is completely irrelevant for me now, but I just wanted to preserve it anyway. I feel that past emotions are important to remember because they have led to where you are now. I want to correct my previous statement, it isn't 'irrelevant' exactly, it is a part of me and these are words from an experience that shaped who I am today and for that, I am grateful.

For anyone reading this poem and possibly relating to it, I want you to know the lesson I took away from this experience. You are never stuck, and you deserve happiness. Your world does not begin or end with another person, it begins with you. The minute you decide to free yourself from any situation that is causing you pain, life gets so much better. Start living for you and the people who are there and actually care for you. When I decided to liberate myself, when I decided that I deserved better and would find better one day, it was so freeing. A weight was lifted and just there, by myself I felt whole. I still do. So don't hold yourself back from happiness, stand up and claim it for yourself.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.
~Oriona

Making Pretty Things

Hello there :)

So I hope you guys have been having a good year so far, I have been busy busy busy! Back in November, I went to stay with Scott's parents to help his mom look after his sister's kids while she went on vacation. That was a lot of fun, Janie and I make a really good team and the kids are so sweet and well behaved. After that, I went right from there to my mom's place to look after her while she recovered from surgery - it was nice to have a good long visit with her and my younger brother. While I was there I introduced her to 'Netflixing' and she binge-watched the entire Gilmore Girl series which of course when it was over she had a good long cry because "IT'S OVER!!! :'( " - I found it really funny because I guess I am mean like that.

A few of you may have noticed that I started another blog called Media Reviews by Oriona which is me reviewing books, movies, music, and anything else that I find interesting. Someone on youtube asked me to review his glass ornaments that he makes that are actually really beautiful and the process seems really cool so I am going to look into doing that for him.

the first week of January, my longest and best friend Abi came up from the states to visit which was awesome! She was a little dismayed with the weather, but she had a bit of a "DUH!" minute because, hello? Canada in January... But it was still lots of fun, we went shopping and exploring and saw an IMAX dome movie at the Ontario Science Centre which is like, the coolest place ever and awesomely not that far from where I live :)

Then there was job hunting, and job finding. I am really excited to start work next week! But I am also extremely excited to be re-starting my little craft business of Starchild Creations! (Previously known as Sacred Star Creations) I am starting with a Facebook page and hope to expand to etsy.com and craft shows and things like that. So far I am making Painted Gratitude Stones and Splash Paintings, but very soon I am going to be making those microwavable heating pads and probably some other stuff. I also started writing a new book which in the last week I have written the first two chapters. It is called 'The Darkness' (working title) and it is going to be a supernatural thriller based on a terrifying thing that happened to me when I was little. *scary music*

In May, mom, Stone and I are being flown down (courtesy of my AMAZING big brother) to the beautiful (and hot) state of Arizona to see him graduate and visit him and my sisters!! There is just so much going on right now and I am so incredibly happy and grateful for this wonderful life I live.

Wishing you happiness and love
~Oriona

My Calling

I don't remember exactly when I realized it, but for a really long time now I have realized that my calling in this life is writing. I really hit the nail on the head this morning when talking to my mom. I really love all forms of art, but the one that I feel I really have a grasp of is writing and story telling. I see pictures like this:

- and I want to be able to paint that in someone's mind. I want to be able to write in such detail as to create this in someone's head. I know the joy of reading a really good book and getting so immersed in the story I don't even see the book anymore, it becomes like a movie playing in my head. Writing is my art form and I have so many ideas and stories that I know this is what I am meant to do. 

As I think I have said before, my long term plan is to write (hopefully) successful books and also own my own business which would be a store/cafe. Although I love writing and have every faith that I will become an accomplished author, I also recognize the need for a steady income.

On that note, I also need a steady income right now, and as I am currently staying with my mother while she recovers from surgery, that has become next to impossible. Lately I have been looking for online jobs which is a challenge because I have never had an online job so I am unfamiliar with how it works. It's hard trying to find something that I even qualify for and then I have to try and make my application stand out from the others and I am not sure how you do that online. In person, I can smile and have a friendly chat with my prospective employers but online I'm just a resume. Anyway, I am sure I will figure it out. Anyone who knows me, knows that I am never short of entrepreneurial ideas.

Getting back to my books, that is going very well so far. I just finished a story called Grandfather Eagle about a little girl who finds and raises a baby eagle. One day he is taken away and released into a nature preserve. He is happy there but misses the girl so he finds his way back to her. - The only thing I need now is an illustrator to do the drawings for my book. Until I find my artist though, I will get back to writing my other on the go books. There's The Ripple Effect which I think is going to be my big one. I also have the first of a series I am working on called the Adventure Girl series, based on stories my mom use to tell me when I was little. I have a lot of ideas with my books, like trying to make them all connected somehow. 

Okay I am kind of excited so I want to talk about some of my other story ideas, here's two:

1. Working title: Journey, about a young woman who either has amnesia and doesn't remember who she is OR she is a runaway from a foster home. But either way she is on the road following clues to who she really is and where she is from. She works odd jobs to get from place to place and also solves mysteries and helps the people that she meets. I want this to be a series, and I might work in some kind of supernatural element to the story but I'm not sure yet. 

2. No working title yet, but I am thinking a future almost post-apocalyptic but not quite. The earth is dying and people are either living in anarchy or they are following crazed, warped, and extreme religions. Somehow, I haven't worked it out yet, but some select people end up being blasted into space as a last attempt to find habitable planets for mankind to move to. The main character is one of these people but I'm not sure which direction I am going to take it from there. Will she find a planet? Will some freak accident happen leaving her with powers? Will it be more of a spiritual book? Will she enter a different dimension? 

Best way to figure it out is to write it out so that's what I am going to do!

Until later,
Oriona

Picture Credit: http://pichost.me/1560923/

A Walk in Two Worlds

It is really strange being a child of two worlds. There's the "white" part of me that looks something like this:

That part of me loves books and writing and art, Disney movies (obviously), and other 'western world' things, sometimes she wants to get dressed up and go dancing and be elegant and maybe even one day rich and successful.

 But then there's the First Nation side of me who doesn't really care about material things and just wants to downsize all my belongings down to a van and go on a spiritual adventure. That's the part of me that wants to live at one with nature and I basically try to apply my spirituality and culture in my every day life, but when someone asks me what my background is, and I tell them I am Native American, and they say 'no you're not' - I can't even express how much it frustrates me.

Maybe it's stupid - as a lot of people tell me, that I shouldn't care what other people say - which I try, but this is a deep rooted issue. When I was younger, I didn't even know I looked white until other people pointed it out to me. When we went to South Dakota the kids there would say: 'why are you here? you're white.' And when I would try to talk to the kids at school about my culture they would tease me and say 'what, can you talk to birds Pocahontas?' Now I am older and every time I see an elder or another First Nations person I want to talk to them in the way that feels natural, like saying 'Hello Grandfather, here would you like to sit down?" I shy away because I am afraid they will see a "wannabe white girl." One time I was at the Peterborough Canoe Museum and when we were sharing food that an elder had prepared and brought in for us, I got up to help because that was the respectful thing to do. My classmates were just sitting there waiting to be served and then they started whispering 'what is she doing?' and 'why is she dressed like that' (I was wearing a long skirt - omg so weird right?) and then when I was talking to one of  the museum people about my background he got mad and called me "one of those hippie-dippie types" - which might be part of the reason I am shy now. The only time I felt like I belonged and that people accepted me at face value is when my dad was alive. Being introduced as "Manny Twofeathers' daughter" left very little room for doubt about my heritage. Now I'm going through this identity crisis where I don't know which side is the real me.

When I look like this:

 But feel like this:

I just don't know, it's like I know who I am but I feel like a poser even though I know it's not true. Then the logical `wise` side to me remembers what my dad told me when I wanted to go tanning and colour my hair black, he said; "Mija, don`t ever let anyone try to tell you who you are. When you cut your finger, you bleed just as Red as anyone else." And Sacred Star Woman would tell Oriona that both sides are equally part of who I am. As long as I walk in my truth then that is all that matters. Creator made me the way I am supposed to be for one reason or another. Even walking through these city streets, when I feel the wind blow through my hair and hear the Thunder Beings rolling in, I feel the Creator and I know who I am - even though I struggle sometimes. I hope that one day I will fully be able to realize and accept all aspects of myself. The pressure is on now that I am trying to follow in my father's footsteps. But he wore big moccasins so maybe I will need to take a path that runs beside the one he followed.

AMR
~Oriona Star Woman

Disclaimer: I do not own the photos above, they belong to Disney.

Words I Live By

"The future belongs to those who believe in their dreams" - Eleanor Roosevelt

That is one of my all time favourite quotes; one that has given me hope through some of my darkest times. Lately, I have been going through another one of those dark times. I think it started with not being able to go to school this year(financial reasons) and then looking around thinking 'what now?' Truly, I felt like I had been running a race - the kind that you run in your dreams but the thing is you can barely move and aren't even moving forward - and then I felt like I had lost. I felt like I had failed, or fallen off the horse one too many times and didn't know where I could find the strength to get back up one more time.

Many of you who read this blog know me fairly well, at least enough to know that I am a very positive person and usually I come up with something to get me going again. Well I did, and that idea is soap. My friend Shawna and I have started a handcrafted soap business, we have the tools, supplies, and passion to get it going. And we have been, I have every faith that with hard work we could be the next body shop. Eventually I want to get into bath bombs and lotions and other things as well. 

But then there is also my writing, I want to be an author, and I have a book going in just about every genre you can think of. I am looking for a literary agent and hoping against hope that one day my books can make some kind of a difference in this world. Also in the mean time of all that, I am also looking for a regular job to help support Scott and I while we try to navigate through our lives together. In some respects, I feel very successful, and in others I just feel like an utter failure.

I recently posted an ad on Kijiji called 'Ambitious Idealist Looking for Sponsor' - it was kind of  a whim that I posted it. Basically, I was looking for someone crazy enough to 'donate' some funds towards my ideas because they, like me, think they are worth something. - Turns out that it's not that crazy of an idea. Do you know people actually get paid to play video games at home? It's called streaming and basically they sit there on web cam, and you can also see their game screen and people pay them to sit and play because they want to watch. and I'm thinking; well, why can't I get paid to write my books or something? Anyway, can you believe I actually got some replies? I don't know what is going to happen with all that, but don't worry I will be careful.

There's also this contest being put on by Alesse, and a person could win $5000 towards their idea. the thing is, I have so many I don't know which one to enter! Can anyone help with this?

That's it for now - have a good one,
Oriona

PS

The other words I live by are:

You are never stuck, no matter what, there is always a way.

Never settle for anything less than what is going to make you happy.

Random Thoughts

I realize that I think some random things a lot so I have been jotting some of my thoughts down for the past while and decided to share them with you guys - enjoy!

Sept 20 
I see all these 'awesome pic/photography ideas' and all I can think is - do people actually just get together to take pictures that just make them look like they are having fun? Is that a fun activity? 'Omg now that we are done in the pool, let's go take pics of us throwing leaves around for fall!' Why don't people just go have fun and take spontaneous pictures of actually having fun? Is maintaining the appearance of a happy life more important than actually living it?

Sept 24
I wonder if I should just post my random thoughts on Tumblr- that's what everyone else does

What if I don't even realize I'm having random thoughts because it seems normal to me?

Sept 26
Do you ever see a person and think 'I could totally be friends with that person' - and you want to be friends with them but you're too shy to actually say anything

Usually when that happens I think they will miss judge me because I'm usually more comfortable around 'weird' people but I don't think my appearance always reflects that.

September 30
Laying sick in bed I realize how truly not good I'm feeling when I realize I'm laying here trying to figure out how folding chairs work.

By the way did I mention that I've had my phone for a year and only realized a week or so ago that the reason I couldn't hear anything was because my 'screen protector' - actually the packaging I just never took off - was covering the ear piece. - I feel like one of those really special kind of dumb people, like that person who doesn't know the sun is a star. fml.


October 4
Okay, so I enjoy a broad spectrum of entertainment everything from Oscar winning masterpieces to spongebob squarepants. And I'm like this with everything pretty much; music, books, my taste in fashion, my sense of humour, etc. and some people might say something like 'oh well this is stupid, I only listen to classic rock because it has soul and the music today sucks and has no soul - but I'm like 'hey, this is a pretty good song and it makes me happy to listen to it.' Why do people have to be so pretentious? I mean some people actually just refuse to like something BECAUSE it's so popular - what kind of system is that? Has the need to be unique forced people to become this crazy? How about liking stuff because YOU like it and leave everyone else out of it? Or vice versa?

October 8
I'm the type of person that would stretch with a drink in my hand and accidentally dump it on my head.

Little kids scare the crap out of me - especially 2 year olds - they just constantly run around doing stuff to get themselves hurt or they just tear stuff up and laugh like crazy little psychos

Went to go see Annabelle with my friend the other day and I was fine until she told me she hadn't been able to sleep because of nightmares - then last night I couldn't sleep because I kept seeing this sh** in my head:


So I smudged myself and my room and concentrated hard on my happy place!!


Last but not least, with my mom and brother coming this weekend, all I can think is:

Cleaning is the grown up 'never ending story' that is way overplayed and it sucks.


Goodnight!
~Oriona